Serendipitous Science Theater 3000
by I am the Poptart
Summary: The boys and co. build a movie theater, which then gets shot into space by none other than the Dr. Doof himself. For his own amusement, he decides to send them cheesy movies. Exactly what you think would happen ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Poptart Notes: I've got a lot of things to work on, but for right now, I'm just going to throw this out there because I'm having trouble with another **_**important**_** thing I have to work on. Don't worry; it'll be finished eventually. Plus, this sounded like fun. Enjoy, read, and comment if you will!**

/

_Chapter One: Space Cinema Adventure! It's a Cinema Adventure in SPACE!_

/

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, platypuses and…well, that's actually it." Phineas, clad in suit and top hat, announced. Ferb was similarly dressed.

"I'd like to thank each and every one of you for coming, on this day, to assist in our grand opening of… 'The Grand Danville Theater Royale'!" Phineas gestured to the day's creation which stood behind him—a large theater. He wasn't sure of what had happened himself, nor was Ferb, but what they did know was that they had suddenly become aware of high ticket prices for film viewings at a regular theater. Therefore, they solved the problem themselves.

"Are there any questions?"

Baljeet, Buford, Isabella and Irving had come on their own account. Perry had simply wandered into the yard. Candace had been persuaded to come and to not delve into her obsessive behavior that day by Isabella, but nonetheless, she was cynical.

"How much do you expect people to pay to see a movie in some random kid's backyard?" She asked, hands on her hips. Phineas looked absolutely dumbfounded.

"Pay?" He echoed. "Why would they pay?" Candace blinked repeatedly, now dumbfounded herself.

"You mean that, regardless of the basic needs of keeping this place clean and functional, which require money to _pay to make that happen_, you intend for nobody to have to pay for this?"

"Well, we don't see why they should." Phineas replied casually, opening the door to the theater and gesturing for everyone to enter.

"Look," Candace sighed as she walked in, "I'll explain this slowly. See, in order to keep things clean and working, people must be hired, equipment must be bought, and—wait." She stopped short, and her expression shifted to a glare. "You guys have already planned for all that, haven't you?"

"Now that you mention it, I _do_ remember putting a self-cleaning function in the blueprint, so…yes, yes we did." Phineas answered. Candace groaned. They were the supermen; she was just their Lex Luthor.

"Regardless, you're the only person in the world who'd think of letting people into a theater for free, Phineas."

"Free?" A voice suddenly came from outside the establishment. Everyone turned around, only to find that Albert had appeared right at the open door, with a very pleased expression.

"Yes, as we've just covered." Phineas responded to Irving's older brother, nodding while he did so.

"In _that_ case, count me in!" Albert announced as he walked in. Irving looked a bit irritated.

"I thought you didn't care what Phineas and Ferb were doing today." He pointed out.

"No, no I did not—at the time." Albert explained. "But _that_ was because I _intended_ on seeing a movie today which I found out I could _not _pay for so I _returned_ and discovered that there was a _free theater_ right _here _and I just thought that since _free_ means what I think it does I could just come right over _here_ for the day!"

There was a pause.

"And why are you putting random stresses on words?" Isabella asked.

"Well I had _five dollars_ and a _pop_ costs _five dollars_ so I got one of _those_ but I did _not _see a movie!"

Candace pretty much smacked her forehead. "Joy! Just what my day needed! A sugar-high nerd!"

"It's only temporary." Irving told her, as if that would help matters.

"How long is this 'temporary' you speak of?" Candace raised an eyebrow. Irving paused to think.

"About…maybe thirty or so minutes. Then he falls asleep for about another half hour."

"Wait." Baljeet suddenly spoke. "The theater is only about a twenty-eight minute walk from here."

When he finished, there was a thud. Those who had not been watching turned back around to find Albert out cold.

Buford found a stick and poked the body a couple of times.

"I could totally give him a swirly like this. Can you give me five minutes to see?" He asked.

"Just shut up and drag him in here with us." Candace demanded. Shrugging, Buford complied.

/

"…And that's the film schedule for the first twelve hours. Then we switch off to the first half of the 'Space Adventures' saga for a couple more hours before we all go home and rest up." Phineas announced from the front of the screening room, where everyone was seated. He then noticed Irving, who looked very unamused. His sleeping brother was taking up three seats next to him, laying on the armrests—and, since Irving was sitting in the far left side of the room, he had no armrests himself.

"Or, in Albert's case, rest up some more." Phineas added. There was some chuckling from everyone besides Irving. "And with that, let the cinema begin!"

Phineas took a seat among the others. Ferb pulled out a small remote from his coat pocket, pressing a large green button. However, the screen did not begin to show anything. What did happen, though, was the sounding of a deep groaning rumble and a quaking from beneath their feet. The entire theater seemed to shake.

Candace, deciding to briefly break her promise against busting, stood up and cried, "I knew it! I don't know what I knew, but I _knew it! _I am _SO _calling mom!"

"That's going to be hard to do…" Baljeet murmured. He had ran over to the window to see if he could find out what the problem was from there, and the sight that met his eyes had made him weak in the knees.

"Why?" Candace asked, walking over to the window where he stood as well. She gasped, and she was followed by the others. The children imitated her when they saw the world outside.

To be more accurate, they had left the world, and were currently floating in the middle of space.

"You guys…you…bust…I'm…_WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?_" Candace stammered as she stepped back. Phineas wasn't reacting with panic. Rather, he met the situation with thoughtfulness, like it could be easily solved.

He turned to his brother and asked, "Ferb, can I see those blueprints we drew up earlier?" The roll of blue paper was placed into his palm. He unfurled it and scanned the contents. "Alright, I've looked back over the building plan, and it's become apparent that neither I nor Ferb have any idea why we've suddenly shot out into the solar system." He declared. Candace threw her hands into the air.

"Whee! _Fantastic! Beautiful! I'M LOST IN SPACE WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE __**NO CLUE **__WHAT THEY ARE DOING AT ALL!_" She cried.

"Candace, calm down! It's gonna be okay!" Phineas insisted. This did nothing but fire up Candace further.

"'Calm down'! What is calming down going to help? Is calming down going to get us back down to Earth?"

"But, Candace—"

"_IS IT GOING TO GET US DOWN TO EARTH, PHINEAS?_" Candace repeated. Phineas sighed.

"No, no it won't. But neither will panicking, you know."

"I don't see what you all are so worried about!" Buford had seated himself back in the screening area, where he was yelling over at them from. "We just won a free trip to outer space! Plus, we're getting a bonus movie!"

"What do you mean, 'bonus movie'?" Isabella asked as she strode back into the room, the others following her. They then all saw that the screen was, in fact, showing an image—that of an older, long-nosed man. He slouched forth in his lab coat, glaring out at the theater with his eyes, which were in heavy dark circles.

"Wait, what is this? Really, what is this?" The man asked, his voice surprisingly shrill. "Am…am I reaching the right place?"

"Excuse me," Irving piped up, "But what are you doing on our movie screen, Mr. Pharmacy Man?"

"Shut up, kid." The man returned casually. "Well, I guess I should just get right down to business—are there any platypuses around here? I was just using my Perry-the-Platypus-Tracker-Inator—"

"Perry?" Phineas asked, picking up his pet platypus. "What do you want our pet platypus for, Mr. …Mr., uh…"

"I am Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, the most vile and villainous creature in all of Danville." The man answered. "You're not trying to tell me _that_ is Perry the Platypus, are you?"

"Well, his name is Perry, and he's a platypus." Candace answered.

Perry himself began to feel quite panicked. This couldn't be happening right now. It would've been bad enough for his cover to be blown, but at the moment it seemed that all the people he cared for were going to be dragged in as well. Send Perry away to a new home; fine. Decommission him from the agency; okay. Drag his human family into the mix; _no-siree-bob_.

As for the evil doctor, he was looking a bit sheepish as he glanced over the platypus. "Well, I guess I've caused you some trouble…that's not the platypus I was thinking of…see, _my_ Perry the Platypus is a cool, suave, semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action…that's just a platypus…boy, now I feel really bad about all this—"

"_EXPLAIN OUR LOCATION IN SPACE_." Candace cut in. Doofenshmirtz shrunk back a bit.

"Well, you see, I just thought that in the event that my Perry the Platypus _was_ here, I could just, y'know, trap him in space by using my Space-Shot-Inator, so that he could never foil my evil plans again. I picked this house off of the list that the Perry-the-Platypus-Tracker-Inator gave me, and, well, I guess it was wrong." He explained.

"So, _how_ are we supposed to get down?" Isabella asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Uh, you sort of can't." Doof replied.

"Oh." Phineas sounded disappointed, as he should've been. "Can we still watch our movies?"

"'Fraid not, kid." The doctor sighed. "See, I was taking an extra precaution when I built the Space-Shot-Inator where I get total power over the building that I shot into space, so Perry the Platypus wouldn't be able to use it against me."

The children in the theater moaned in disappointment.

"Now what are we supposed to do for fun?" Baljeet asked to nobody in particular. As a reply, Buford swatted him on the cheek. "Ow!"

"I don't know about you, but I could do that for amusement." Buford grinned.

"Oh, don't worry, don't worry!" Doofenshmirtz insisted. "I'm a fair guy! I'll think of something."

"Good morning, sir!" A voice suddenly rang from off screen. The speaker then walked into frame—a large robot, who was carrying a large box full of DVD boxes.

"Oh, and by the way, everybody, this Norm, my robotic assistant." Doof added. "Norm, be a polite young robot and greet the children."

"Hello, young children! My name is Norm!"

"_That_ is creepy." Baljeet said.

"Hi, Norm!" Irving waved.

Doofenshmirtz dug through the box in Norm's arms. " 'The Menacing Eye'? 'Year of the Cutthroat Blade'? 'The Party of the Undead'? Norm! I told you to get some _good_ movies from that garage sale!" He exclaimed.

"But these were all such great bargains!" Norm replied. Doof glared at him.

"Gee, I wonder _why_. I remember that when I first saw every one of these movies, I always thought that they could've been on that…that…that one show. The one with the guy and the two robots and all the bad movies." Doof tapped his chin. "What _was_ that called? Ugh, I have to look it up now. I do remember that it was really funny, though. They'd just watch the movies and make up the greatest cracks while they did!" He sighed in reminiscence. "I wish they'd air it again. I'd love to see it back on—"

Doof cut himself off. He was having one of those moments where he was having an idea. Not just any idea, but one of _those_ ideas; the kind where you have to stop short and think about it, because it is so crazy, so out there, so flat-out _stupid_ that it could just work.

"I've got it!" The scientist exclaimed. "Here's an idea—why don't you kids watch these movies for me?"

"I don't know. Why _should _we?" Candace countered. Doofenshmirtz considered this briefly.

"If you get through this first movie, we can work out a deal later for making contact with your parents." He then offered.

"Sounds like a good idea to me!" Phineas said. "Alright, Doofer…Doofy…Doof…Heinz, we'll do it!"

"Excellent!"

"What?" Candace cried.

"So, what will we be watching first, sir?" Isabella asked.

"Your assignment today will be 'The Menacing Eye'. I remember it being this really cheap art-house film about the sky or something." Doof answered as he started pressing buttons on a control panel. "I've sent it right about…_now!_"

At that moment, the screen turned white. Black text appeared across it, reading "[Movie in Reception…Please Hold]".

"Well, I guess now we're going to be stuck watching movies." Candace sighed.

"Alright, everyone!" Phineas announced as he stood up from his seat. "Let's take this opportunity while the movie is loading—theme-song time!"

/

_In the very near future,_

_In fact, as we sing,_

_Phineas and Ferb and all their friends are going through the strangest thing,_

_First they built a theater for cinematic films,_

_Then were shot into space's crazy realms,_

_Then they heard from a guy who gave them this curse,_

_Some crazy evil doctor that goes by 'Doofenshmirtz',_

"That would be me." The doctor spoke over the music, pointing to himself. He then carried the song on:

_"I'll send them cheesy movies—"_

"The worst you can find?" Norm interrupted. Doof glared at him.

"Of course, the worst!" He exclaimed. The doctor then resumed.

_"La la la! They'll have to sit and watch them all— _And you know, just for the sake of it,_ I think I'll monitor their minds—La la la!"_

_Now keep in mind the boys can't control where the movies start and end—la la la!__—_but they'll just sit back and watch them casually, with the help of all their friends!

(Everyone ready in one, two, three!)

_Candace! _"You're busted!"

_Buford!_ "Prepare for a beating!"

_Isabella!_ "Whee!"

_Baljeet!_ "Where is the music coming from?"

_Irving! _"Wah-hoo!"

_Albert! _ "I've yet to receive any reason of how this all happened..."

_Per-rrrrr-yyyy!_ "Gchrchgrchgrcghrgrrrr..."

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts, just remember that it's just a show—_

"Wait, wait, wait a minute!" Phineas interrupted the music. "Where's Perry?"

"We're in the middle of the solar system, A.K.A., absolutely nowhere, and you're only worried about where Perry went?" Candace cried. Isabella leaned into frame.

_"You should really just relax!" _She sang so the main theme could restart.

_For "Serendipitous Science Theater 3000"!_

/

**Poptart Footnotes: Next chapter, Part ONE of 'The Menacing Eye'! Also, no, none of these movies actually exist.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Poptart Notes: Wow! The reception this time around was great! Thanks, guys, and all others.**

**Spongey444: Go, man, go! *shoves you right out the door***

**Lancelot Varianter: Psh! So many bigger wins in the world. Like the original MST3K. Or the original Phineas and Ferb.**

**Kissy Fishy: Thanks! Just don't get **_**too**_** excited, please.**

**Maya Serena: It'll probably take him a while. He's no good with German.**

**The movie parts of the story will be bolded.**

**End of the World as We Know it ©R.E.M.**

**Here's some more~Enjoy, read, and review if you like!**

/

_Chapter Two: The Menacing Eye (Part One)_

/

**In silence, the large credits scrolled across the screen; red on a black background.**

**Gangrene Pictures Presents…**

"Gangrene Pictures?" Candace snorted. "Seriously?"

"Warning: Side effects of this movie include Gangrene, nausea, loss of appetite, strange gain of hair in places that you didn't know you had…" Irving added.

**In association with Luxury Blood International…**

**Antoine Mesgearré**

"Ah, the French." Buford stated. "Always making drinks I can't have, cheeses I can't pronounce, and movies that I can't like. I swear, these guys have it in for us."

**Roxana Belgier**

**Burkuki Nagstikitawi**

Everyone stared at the credit for a moment.

"Was that a name or a glitch?" Phineas asked.

**And Rosella Lubeaux…**

**Screenplay written by Jude Nulorum, Isadora Shomswelle, and David Blueburg…**

"None of whom ever consulted each other once during the whole writing process," Irving declared.

"Isn't 'nulorum' some sort of element?" Isabella asked.

**Produced by Mitsuru Kanosaki, Napoleon Dureé, Pierre Smith, Jonathon Daley, and Kurt Kulder…**

"Kurt Kulder, Kulder Kulder, Kurt Kulder, Kulder and Kulder and Kulder…" Isabella sang softly. Ferb promptly began to drum out a slow beat to go with it, and Phineas began to sing with her at about the third "Kulder".

"You just can't make this easy, can you?" Candace muttered.

"We're sorry, Candace, but it's just too Kuld." Phineas replied.

**Directed by Lulu J. Morganson…**

"Hey! Why is she the only one who gets to have a middle initial?" Buford demanded.

**Musical Compositions by Wilson Purnell…**

In the background, total silence remained.

"Who, in hindsight, was probably overpaid." Baljeet said.

**Hello.**

"And now, for something completely different!" Candace exclaimed.

"Hi!" Irving spoke cheerfully, as though the screen could hear him.

**Do you believe in the dances of death?**

"Well, I do know that your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine." Phineas answered.

**We will all die, and our ashes to the wind will be carried into the stars…and nights will pump the blood through the miserable souls…and the sun will smile down and burn the newborn grasses to death…and all that we ever knew will cease to exist…**

"Dr. Seuss couldn't have been perkier!" Buford commented.

**And the eye will be opened…and it will be the end of the world…**

"It's-the-end of the world as we know it! It's-the-end of the world as we know it!" Irving sang.

"And I feel reasonably apathetic." Baljeet finished.

**And it will ravage the souls that it was initially to protect…and it will be displeased.**

"So, the eye goes on a killing spree, and _then _it gets mad?" Candace raised an eyebrow.

"Don't judge it! It's bipolar, it can't help it!" Buford exclaimed.

**And it will be **_**our fault**_**…**

"It really feels like it's just going to cap it all off with a 'save the humpbacks' message." Baljeet said.

**And it…**

**Will be…**

**The Menacing Eye.**

"What was the title again?" Isabella asked.

"Uh, 'Directed by Lulu', or something like that." Candace replied.

**The screen remained black, slowly panning upward to reveal a pair of blue eyes, the face they sat on silhouetted. A single arm came out of the darkness, throwing a small object on the ground. A close-up came upon the object as it smashed into the ground, which was revealed to be a shot glass, which had written across its surface, "Greetings from The World!".**

"You _fool! _I specifically said that I wanted a shot glass from _Jupiter!_" Phineas cried.

"**You should all suffer for what you've done to me…" A low, hoarse, female voice murmured. "This monstrosity…what you've done to me…how dare you…"**

"You made me play a role in 'The Menacing Eye'!" Candace yelled.

**The image of a pocket watch then flashed across the screen, quickly alternating with shots of the woman's eyes, almost like a strobe light.**

"We're late! We're late!" Irving exclaimed. "We're very, very late!"

"**I'll make this right…" the woman muttered. "Be ever so careful…one mistake until you die."**

"The first guy to step on a crack breaks _their_ back." Buford said.

**The camera quickly returned to the shot glass, which had suddenly caught flames. It then came back up to the woman's eyes, where they held a reflection of the fire. A low, muddled chanting began in the background, slowly growing in volume as a close-up was given to the woman's eyes.**

"This movie is _terr-i-ble, _it is quite likely you paid too much…may they have mercy on your soul…because this is probably gonna kill you…" Irving went along with the chant.

**The woman's eyes then merged together as one.**

"What? WHAT?" Baljeet cried, standing up from his chair. "That's an impossibility!"

"Baljeet, it's an art-house flick." Candace explained.

"But they did not even offer any sort of explanation!"

"Shut up, fuzzhead." Buford reprimanded.

**The eye blinked a couple of times before finally closing. The black background slowly morphed in colors until it resembled the skyline at the hours of dawn. A faint line ran across the horizon where the eye had been. They then panned down from the sky to the ground below, which was blank and grey. Claymation buildings suddenly began to rise from the earth in a cityscape.**

"Looks like they forgot to give credit to Art Clokey." Isabella commented. Irving pounded his fist on his armrest in mock dismay.

"How dare they!" He exclaimed.

**Signs of life began to show in the city—to be more accurate, it was populated by cats, all of which walked upright and wore garish, old-style clothing, either fine suits for a male or a complicated dress for a female. Some of them even carried parasols.**

"There is a pun to be made here, and whoever makes it will be promptly dragged out of this room. We will then wash out your mouth with soap until your tonsils _sparkle_." Candace announced.

"Nobody even thought about it, whatever it is." Phineas assured her.

"I did…" Baljeet admitted, though nobody seemed to hear him.

**The screen slowly closed in on a small corner of the sidewalk, where a small bum/cat sat down, rattling a small cup of change.**

"TUNA? YA GOT TUNA?" Irving suddenly yelled, shaking an imaginary cup. "COME ON, HELP A CAT OUT!"

"**Your future! A dime for a psychic telling! Your future for a dime!" The bum-cat called in a slightly scratchy voice, which had a very thick British accent. "Your thoughts? Ideas and suggestions! A penny, a penny, a penny for your thoughts!"**

"How about a boot to the head for free?" Buford suggested.

**Presently, a little boy kitten, who seemed to be part of the upper class judging by his clothes, dropped a pair of dimes into the bum's cup.**

"**Tell me the whole future, sir. Tell me about the end." He begged. A far older cat happened to be walking behind him at the time, and he now snickered.**

"**Yes, **_**Siskel,**_** tell the dear lad about the end of the world." He said tauntingly.**

"I'll tell you all that I think about it!" Baljeet exclaimed, in imitation of the bum. "Ebert, explain this with me."

**The bum seemed shocked by the kitten's request.**

"**Why…why…I've seen the end. Several times, actually." He stammered. "It's so ridiculously simple…I don't know why any of us haven't ever done a thing to see that it is prevented…"**

"Pollution?" Isabella suggested.

"Loss of resources?" Phineas proposed.

"Wrong! It's _all_ gonna start with the _Canadians_…" Buford pounded his fist on the armrest.

"**We're all fools for trying to live here in peace!" The bum's voice grew more frantic. "We can't even see that our own skies are going to kill us; that we will bring about a suicide! Gentlemen and ladies of the commons, the skies are waiting to strike! The Eye that protects us is the one that shall destroy us!" The bum's voice echoed through the city. The shot went skyward, and every horizon suddenly became pitch black. Slowly, fires arose from the bottom of the screen as the bum-cat's words still repeated at a set volume. The image of a building appeared, and it was then blown to pieces in an explosion. Random photographs, all of which seemed to fit into a human family's album, were shown, each being engulfed in flames. It then switched to a stuffed bear on what appeared to be a little girl's dresser. It, too, exploded. It cut again to what was supposedly a glass store, with thousands of fragile figurines and drinking cups lined up on delicate shelves of the same material. As the words kept repeating, every single article of glass exploded, one at a time.**

After about three minutes of fire and explosions, Buford left.

"I'm taking a break." He announced.

"A break?" Candace repeated. "Are those allowed?"

"It couldn't hurt." Phineas replied. He stood up as well to leave the room, and the others followed suit.

/

"Okay!" Phineas announced. "So, what have we learned so far?"

Everybody was sitting down at the concessions area. Most people were sitting on the counter, and Buford was knocking back drinks right from the nozzle of the soda hose. Baljeet raised his hand.

"I have learned that it is legal to do nothing but air explosions for three minutes straight." He declared.

"Fair enough," Phineas replied, "But what do we know about the movie _plot-wise?_" Now Irving raised his hand. "What do you say, Irving?"

"Well, there's this one lady, and she's some sorta Cyclops-type-thing, and then there's a shot-glass that spontaneously combusts…" He counted the things off on his fingers. "And then there's this Gumby-City that's full of cats…and it's got this psychic hobo, and he's completely insane…and then there's this…thing…and…I think it explodes…and then this other thing exploded, and then…actually, that might've _not_ exploded."

"Alright. Anybody else?"

"I'm just completely clueless." Candace stated.

"Okay then." Phineas then turned to his brother and asked, "What do you think, Ferb?"

Ferb shrugged his shoulders. Phineas was about to continue speaking, when there suddenly came a loud, piercing cry from inside the screening room.

"Oh, look, Albert's up." Irving noted with disinterest.

"And on a side-note, Perry's gone." Phineas added.

"Oh, for Pete's sake; we'll look for him later." Candace told him.

"Okay, but it now seems to be time for a commercial break." Phineas replied, quickly checking his watch.

"Commercial-wha?" Candace asked. Phineas seemed to ignore her, turning to his brother and saying, "Ferb?"

"We'll be right back." Ferb looked straight at you as he spoke.

/

_Up next, "The Menacing Eye" PART TWO*! _

_*Now with Albert!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Poptart Notes: I didn't really like the last one myself. I'm hoping this one is a bit better.**

/

Everybody filed back into the screening room. Albert was awake now, sitting upright over three seats with a bewildered expression.

"What...why…where the HECK are we?" He demanded as he adjusted himself to one chair.

"Space." Irving replied calmly.

"_What_."

"Just don't ask and make fun of the stupid movie." Candace insisted.

**The explosions sequence continued for a bit, finally finishing off with the explosion of an entire landfill. After the smoke of which had cleared from the screen, it was revealed that, taking up the entire background, was a large, yellow cat's eye.**

Albert nearly leapt out of his seat. "Criminey!"

"**It seems to me that you're insane, Siskel." The old cat chuckled as the shot zoomed out to reveal the rest of him. "The Eye hasn't attacked. It'll never attack. The Eye serves **_**us**_**."**

"Cool!" Buford exclaimed. "He remembers what he said an hour and a half ago!"

"**You'd never guess." Siskel said glumly. "But that's what happened to the men, long, long ago."**

"**Sir, what are 'men'?" The kitten asked.**

"**The men were a powerful race that existed in the universe eons ago, back when it was all infinite—when it wasn't limited to a single planet. Of course, infinity doesn't exist anymore, but that's beside the point."**

"But…that…it…_ugh._ My brain." Baljeet clutched his head.

"**The men had accomplished a first—they had entered a period of time where there was nothing but absolute peace." The image went up close to Siskel's mouth as he spoke, until the shot went right down his mouth. There, the image remained black, until several red drops rained onto background. Then, the images of everyday life played in the background—some girls playing with their dolls, women shopping in a produce section, and men sitting around drinking coffee, among others.**

"Life: As directed by Michael Bay." Albert said.

"Wow, you catch on fast." Phineas remarked.

"**Men truly seemed to enjoy their times of serenity. But men…oh, they had such a certain nature about them. They never had enough sense to take what they had gratefully. They were so arrogant a species, those men, that the Eye punished them dearly."**

"It probably gave them the same glare my mom gives me every time I start talking about 'Space Adventure'." Baljeet said.

"Ooh, that's the killer one." Isabella agreed.

"**I was just an alley cat in those days. Clearly, I remember them—the Twenty Days of Blood!"**

"By the way he's talking, peace sounds really overrated." Candace commented.

"**I saw the entire population of man destroyed within a month, all right before my very own nose."**

"Your adorable kitty-cat nose!" Irving squealed.

"**I've forgotten all but one thing—the Eye spoke to the dead planet just once before closing its lids again." The camera shot then faded to black again, before slowly zooming out to reveal that it had been the dark fur on Siskel's tail.**

"**What did it say, sir?" The kitten asked.**

"Something about how it spared nothing but the cats, and somethin' about how cute they were with their little paws and eyes…then it just sorta devolved into girlish squealing." Albert replied, in an imitation of Siskel.

"**It said, 'to every creature that I have so foolishly missed in this slaughter, be warned that I will count your mistakes, and when you do a single one too many, I will rehash this shower of inferno back on you as well. Bear in mind that with on the final day of your carnage the men will return—and all of those men will remain dead as they bring about the Twentieth Day of Blood.' And with that, the Eye closed itself, never opening even to this day."**

"**The men killed themselves in war! You're simply a fool, Siskel!" The old cat laughed raucously. The laughter echoed until it overcame every other sound in the city. The mouth of the cat seemed to widen as he laughed, and it soon became clear that it actually was. It grew until it was about the size of his head. When it reached that point, several green tentacle-like appendages began to overflow from his mouth, reaching high into the air.**

"Oh, dang!" Buford mimicked the old cat. "I'm alright, I just had a little Cthulhu for lunch, I swear!"

**The image then had a smash-cut to a blank white expanse. It remained that way for all of four seconds before being interrupted by the sudden appearance of a high school drum-line.**

"Screw the story at hand!" Albert exclaimed. "It's _marching band time!_"

**Every time their sticks hit their drums, a small squirt of a strange blue liquid shot out of the feather adornments of their hats. In a few moments, their faces were drowned in the liquid. Then out shot a red liquid, which melted the skin and muscle from their faces when it made contact with them.**

"Alright, maggots!" Isabella made her voice sound gruff, as though she were some sort of coach. "I want you all to go out there and play until your faces _melt off!_"

"Marching really can be that rough, you know." Candace pointed out. Many of the other theater occupants turned to stare at her.

"What? I play the baritone sax."

**Within minutes, the drummers were mere skeletons in suits. They stopped their drumming suddenly, their jaws dropping wide open as their eyes faded from their skull altogether.**

"Duhh…what was we doing again?" Irving said in a slow drawl.

**There was then a blaring of trumpets, followed by an entire orchestra, wailing out harsh notes that fit together poorly. While this happened, the background suddenly began to flash several bright, severe colors rapidly.**

"We interrupt this Band Performance to bring you a Pokémon Seizure." Baljeet muttered.

"I think this is a representation of the true inner conflicts of Siskel and his moral values, while very cleverly also evidencing the arrogance and pompousness of the older cat. Yet, I am still detecting an undertone of the upper-class kitten's innocence and virtue." Buford analyzed.

**After a few minutes of this, the skeletons burst into flames.**

"I'm gone." Buford announced as he left.

"Ugh, my aching _sanity_…" Albert groaned as he followed.

"Looks like we're taking another break." Phineas leapt up from his seat. The others followed him.

"This really _is_ hard." Candace sighed.

"Look on the bright side," Isabella said, "Maybe Perry's back by now."

"Whoopee."

/

_Up next: The Menacing Eye, Part THREE!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Poptart Notes: You know what's fun about making up an art-house movie? If you get an idea, you can just chuck it in without any explanation whatsoever. My current quest is to make this movie stranger than "Fantastic Planet" **_**and**_** "Zardoz"**_**.**_** It's very hard and I'm truly trying. Pray for my soul.**

**Well, here's part three of the commentating. Enjoy, read, and review if you like!**

/

_Chapter Four: The Menacing—Ah, Heck with It._

/

Speaking of whom, Perry had managed to get away from the watchful eyes of the humans when they weren't looking. He currently stood behind the furnace in the janitor's closet ("Ferb, if we installed a self-cleaning function and never actually hired any sort of janitor, why did we include a janitor's _closet?_" Phineas had asked.), poking around with his company watch. In a few moments, Monogram appeared on the watch's screen.

"Agent P.!" He exclaimed. "We've been watching over your family home for hours! We have found no signs of you or any of your owners that are younger than eighteen. Where in the name of Sam Hill are you?"

As a reply, Perry put his watch out toward the window, where Monogram could see all of space floating past.

"Deep space?" He raised an eyebrow. "Not to offend you, Agent P., but haven't you done this already?" The platypus glared at him. "Anyway, we needed you to stop Doofenshmirtz, because he seems to be sending suspicious signals all the way up into space—upon closer examination, they seem to be _movies_. And upon even closer examination, they have been revealed to be _terrible_ movies—the kind that could've been on that one show from the nineties. Oh, what was that called again? It had the guy and the couple of robots watching bad movies and making fun of them, and it was really funny…Carl, go look that up!"

"Yes, sir!" The intern called from off-screen.

"Anyway, Agent P.," Monogram continued, "It seems that with you in outer space, you are unable to thwart—hey, something in your expression tells me that you already knew all this." Perry nodded. "Okay, time for a guessing game. Let's see…uh, Doof's sending the signals to your current establishment in deep space, right?" The platypus nodded again. "Ah! I knew it! Well, don't worry, Agent P. We'll find a way to get you back to your normal duties in no time. Monogram out."

The watch cut to static. Perry instinctively returned to all fours and trotted away to where the humans were.

/

"…And I'm just standing there, nearly naked except for that stupid loincloth and bib, riding on what I guess is some sorta pony." Buford went on. "And this moron in front of me is just yammerin' away in Portuguese, and then it finally hits me that I left the oven on! So then I get _real_ angry…"

"Hate to interrupt your story, Buford," Phineas cut him off, kneeling down to pick up the platypus that had just wandered by, "But I just found Perry." Buford grunted in frustration.

"Whatever. Any more interruptions before we continue?" Candace raised her hand.

"When do we get to hear about that 'crystal corncob Macguffin' again?" She asked.

"Are we still in Machu Pichu?" Baljeet added.

"Why did you sell the Cantina for just an extra pack of gum?" Isabella threw in.

"Jeez!" Buford exclaimed. "Maybe if you _listened_ to Buford at all, you'd know!"

"If you think this is shocking, you've never been on top of the DMV in Little Trenton, Kentucky with a chicken leg." Albert muttered.

"Oh, yeah, yeah. That'll get you to the Supreme Court so fast your head'll spin." Irving agreed. Buford raised an eyebrow.

"Continue."

"Well," Albert began, standing as if he were about to make a great address to the nation, "Let me begin with a bit of mood-setting—Imagine for a moment, if you will, a world in which there was no pie…"

However, he didn't get much further than that, for right when he'd finished that statement, a large siren began to sound from somewhere in the theater. Everybody got onto the floor, and Candace screamed in surprise.

"Phineas!" Isabella cried. "What is that?"

"I'm not too sure." Phineas replied calmly.

"Whoops!" The voice of the mad doctor himself, Doofenshmirtz, suddenly rang out from somewhere around the ceiling. "Guess I didn't warn you about the new 'movie sign' I installed!"

"Quit scaring us like that!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"Oh, lighten up, would ya? Anyway, break time's over."

"But—" Buford began.

"But nothing!" Doof cut in, his tone scolding. "You may have another break later if you behave, but if you refuse, you will go straight to your room."

"Room!" Buford exclaimed. "Whaddaya mean, 'room'?"

"Well, you see, Buford," Phineas giggled nervously, "We decided to give everyone a personalized bedroom in the event that we couldn't leave." Buford sighed.

"Wonderful."

"In which case, where do I sleep?" Albert asked.

"We'll make you the guest bed." Ferb told him.

"Okay."

"Excuse me, but movie time is _now!_" Doof jumped in impatiently.

"Alright, alright; don't get your boxers in a wad!" Candace exclaimed as they all filed back into the screening room.

"Just for your information, young lady, I am not _wearing_ boxers!"

/

**Three small infants sat on the ground. Each of them was giggling, wrapped in barbed wire.**

"Sure." Baljeet said upon first seeing this.

**The barbed wires tightened until, suspiciously and bloodlessly, the heads fell right off the bodies.**

"And that, kids, is where shrunken heads come from." Albert declared.

"Wow! Tell us another story, creepy Uncle Imus!" Irving exclaimed.

**The heads and bodies immediately decomposed into a green, soil-like substance, from which many black and white flower stalks began to sprout. They bloomed to reveal that the red flowers themselves had several sets of yellow fangs.**

"'Twilight' vampires, _exposed!_" Buford cried.

"You had to make the old, dated Twi-pire jab, didn't you?" Isabella asked, sounding a bit bored.

"Yes, yes I did."

"**Hurry!" A voice suddenly cried. "Hurry, Lord Siskel!"**

"The hobo is a lord now." Baljeet stated flatly.

"Aw, come on!" Candace exclaimed, "You don't have to go and pull a 'Taming of the Shrew' opening on us!"

"**Lord Siskel!" The image showed the cat's paws stamping along the ground as he ran, revealing a large garden full of the same kind of flowers. It also showed that the bum seemed to have lost much weight and grown older between scenes.**

"Oh, man, how long _is_ this Nyquil trip?" Albert, as Siskel, groaned.

"**Siskel, master, what is happening to our sky?" The little rat, who had spoken previously, whimpered.**

"**The sky!" Siskel repeated, his head whipping around to look at the heavens.**

"Hey, I forgot we had one of those!" Phineas exclaimed, presumably imitating the cat.

**The sky was alternating between two bleak shades of gray, one light and one dark, while a steady beating came from somewhere in the background, sounding quite like a drum.**

"**Oh, my lords of the Catacombs," Siskel murmured in awe.**

"HAHAHA! HE SAID _CAT_ACOMBS! IT'S FUNNY!" Candace yelled out sarcastically.

"Isn't it a little early for you to be going crazy?" Phineas asked.

"Yes, yes it is."

"**It can't possibly be…the Eye has followed us all this way?"**

"**Bearing tragedy on its shoulders, my lord!" The rat, who was strangely not dressed as a person like the cats of the city, squeaked glumly.**

"In many parts of the world, this is known as a thunderstorm." Buford noted.

"**Ridiculous." Siskel grunted. "Simply ridiculous."**

"_Ssshh!_" Irving hissed. "The Eye has ears, you know!"

There was a brief pause.

"_What?_" Albert asked.

"Well, _he _said that it had shoulders."

"**What has become of the kittens?"**

"**They've all stayed." The rat replied with a heaving sigh. "Perhaps they'll be dead by tomorrow."**

"**And what of the full-grown denizens?"**

"Eh, they'll just be dead-_ish_." Candace said.

"**Unable to be located." The rat replied.**

"**Why do they never listen?" The bum groaned.**

"I just thought for sure that they'd believe to the homeless guy who they saw _ranting at the sky _yesterday if he said it was the end of the world!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"**Look, Siskel!" The rat exclaimed, pointing off-screen with his little forepaw. Siskel looked off to where the rat had pointed, and the camera followed his gaze to find large stone door in the ground, doorknob and all.**

"Welcome to the Crypt!" Isabella said cheerfully.

"Please wipe your feet on the welcome mat!" Phineas added.

"**We've found it." Siskel quickly threw up the hatch. Beneath the door was a ladder, which he hurriedly descended.**

"With this standard-model rural basement, we _shall _be protected from the apocalypse!" Irving exclaimed.

**The ever-anonymous little rat quickly leapt down the hole. As he dropped, three dots suddenly appeared on his forehead, glowing blue.**

"Everybody hit the deck; he's entering the Avatar State!" Buford cried.

"Don't you mean—" Baljeet began.

"Don't you _dare_ say it." Candace cut in threateningly.

"—the RATvatar State?" Baljeet finished, ignoring Candace's demand. Everybody groaned. Candace grabbed Baljeet by the wrist and led him out of the room.

"You just earned a pair of glitter-tonsils, bud."

**A shot of blue liquid emanated from the spots, then expanding around him until it formed a bubble. The rat floated down the rest of the way into the hole, at the bottom of which was a sea of spikes. The first second the sharp point of one of these spikes made contact with the thin bubble, the bubble erupted in a shower of electric sparks.**

"Hey! You just blew up my Popemobile, you tool!" Albert exclaimed for the rat.

**The rat was then, of course, impaled on the spike. This was followed by the sharp spikes suddenly transforming into giant, black, vicious-looking rats, one of which was still wearing the previous brown rat like he was a choker.**

"Phineas, is this that 'symbolism' thing you were talking to me about last week?" Irving asked.

"I'm just as lost as you are, Irving." Phineas replied.

"They were certainly _trying_ for it." Isabella noted.

**The army of rodents scurried off together. They clambered up over a staircase, at the top of which there was revealed to be another staircase. They went over that, as slowly as the film budget would allow, only finding another staircase at the end, which they climbed as well.**

"Only when it was too late did the army realize that they were trapped inside of an M.C. Escher painting gone mad." Buford said.

**Several staircases later, the army stopped in front of a large dais. Seated on this platform was a large clump of vines. These vines continued to grow and twine together until they had taken the shape of a large cat, sitting cross-legged. From the head of the vine sculpture, a thousand cat's eyes suddenly opened in unison. They blinked a single time down at the soldiers, and they immediately all fell dead, then crumbling to dust. The dust all blew away in a spontaneous wind.**

"**Well…done…congratulations…God Siskel." A deep, quiet, disembodied voice suddenly rang out as the shot faded to black.**

From the next room over, there was a sharp, piercing shriek.

"NO!" It could be heard screeching. "NOT THE SOAP! I AM JUST A LITTLE BOY!"

"Wow. I really didn't expect Candace to follow up on that 'wash out your mouth' claim." Phineas commented.

"AAAAAGH…" There was the hissing of hot water and the sprinkling of a showerhead.

"Poor, poor, poor Baljeet." Isabella sighed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Poptart Notes: Let this useless bit of information be known—this is really fun to do. Thanks to everyone who's reading, and I really hope you like it as much as I'm having fun!**

**Read and review if you can!**

"**Somebody's Watching Me" ©Rockwell and Michael Jackson**

/

_Chapter Five: Explanations Will Do Nothing to Help You_

/

Baljeet returned the same way he'd left, being tugged right in by Candace. He was sopping wet and sniffling.

"I may never bathe in good spirits again…" He murmured.

**The black background slowly rose into a purple shade. It was soon revealed to be the night sky, with a few bright stars pressed against it. It slowly panned down to show an old, gray cat standing on top of a hill, where he was urinating.**

"What in the world…" Candace muttered.

"Don't judge it!" Buford cried. "It's _art!_"

**There was suddenly a gunshot, and the cat then fell over dead.**

"THAT'S FOR TREADIN' ON THE GRASS, YA STUPID CAT!" Albert hollered.

**From his little puddle of blood on the grass, a tall, blob-like figure formed. He slowly took the vague shape of a thin man, though still a single dark red color, and stepped daintily out of the pool.**

"Pardon me, sir." Irving spoke for the man in a British accent.

**The man looked at the sky, which the camera slowly panned back up to.**

"You know, I am just about sick of the sky." Candace declared.

"Lucky for you, we might never see it again!" Buford pointed out. Candace shuddered, because he was probably right.

**Directly overhead now, what seemed to be a human eye was cracked open part of the way. It had no iris, a very thin pupil, and was staring down at the world below.**

Irving began to hum a little bit of music to himself, before singing softly, "I'm just an average man, with an average life, I work from nine to five—"

"Hey, heck, I pay the price." Albert joined in. They then both sang: "All I want is to be left alone, in my average home, but why do I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone?"

"_I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE, SOMEBODY'S WAT-CHUN ME-EE, AND I HAVE NO PRIVACY, OH-OH-OH!_" Everybody joined in at once. They all sang loudly over the movie, which remained on the eye for about an eternity, before just standing up and leaving for another break. They sang the entire way out.

/

"When I come home at night, I bolt the door real tight, people call me on the phone, I'm trying to avoid," Isabella sang. The group had somehow managed to make an instrument out of the entire establishment. Buford had managed to find a pair of drumsticks and was currently beating away on the metal countertop, while Ferb had somehow managed to turn the popcorn machine into a sort of music box, grinding out notes when he turned the handle. Perry chattered on in the background in a way that was strangely complimentary to the music.

"But can the people on T.V. see me, or am I just paranoid?" Baljeet finished.

"When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair, 'cause I'm afraid I might open my eyes and find someone standing there!" Phineas jumped in. "People say I'm crazy—"

"Just a little touched!" Candace joined. "But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much! That's why—"

"_I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE, SOMEBODY'S WAT-CHUN ME-EE, AND I HAVE NO PRIVACY, OH-OH-OH! I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE, SOMEBODY'S WAT-CHUN ME-EE, WHO'S PLAYIN' TRICKS ON ME?_" They all sang together.

"And…instrumental interlude!" Buford cried out before vigorously pounding away on the counter. After he was finished, everybody stared at each other for a moment.

"What happens after that?" Isabella asked.

"I forget." Phineas replied. There was another pause.

"Well, we'll be right back." Albert announced, quickly glancing at you.

/

_Brick, brick, brick, BRICK, brick, brick, brick—it's fun._

/

"And welcome back!" Phineas announced.

"…So I go and get the Aspirin for him. I get back about three hours later—line was about a mile long, for the love of Joe—and imagine my surprise here: I see that not only has Albert suddenly found that golf ball, but he's also somehow managed to _literally_ carve a hole in the fabric of the universe." Irving went on behind him.

"Okay, now I've told you once, now I've told you twice, now I've told you _three times_: if you'd have bothered to get on the uptown bus when we'd actually found that stupid cosmetic in the _first place_, this never would've been an issue." Albert cut in.

"So you admit that it was an issue."

"Excuse me, children of the movie theater!" Doofenshmirtz's voice suddenly rang out again from the ceiling.

"Aw, _now_ whaddaya want?" Candace groaned.

"I was considering the situation at hand while I was doing my jazzercise, and I'm in a bit of a…proverbial fork in a proverbial road. I'm not sure what to do with you all, because it's not like I hate kids. See, you may not have known this, but I have a little girl myself—my sweet little flower Vanessa!" He sighed, remembering the smiling face of a little bright-eyed girl…

"Why was it necessary for you to tell us that you were doing jazzercise at the time?" Albert asked. Rather than getting a response, there was the sound of a door clicking open and then shutting, and somebody walking closer to whatever microphone that Doof was using.

"Oh. My. Gosh." A female voice groaned. "Dad, what are you _doing?_"

"Oh, honey, you're just in time!" The doctor exclaimed with delight. "Everyone, this is my little sunshine, Vanessa. Vanessa, say hello to the children, would you?" The girl sighed in apathy.

"Hi. Whatever. Wait a minute—_what_ about children?"

"Oh, that." Doofenshmirtz giggled nervously. "Well, uh, you see, Vanessa, I was working on yet another one of my brilliant schemes! I was supposed to send Perry the Platypus into space—"

"Oh, really?" Vanessa sounded skeptical.

"Yes, _really!_ Anyway, that sort of, uh, how do you say it…"

"Backfired horribly!" Norm finished for him.

"Shut up, Norm." Doof hissed. "Anyway, that backfired horribly, and now I've gotten a bunch of kids stuck inside of a movie theater in outer space."

"You _what?_" Vanessa cried. "Dad, that's got to be, like…_illegal_ or something!"

"Calm down, sweetie, I was just talking to them about that." Doof assured her.

Vanessa groaned again, then saying, "Fine. But if the police find out, I _will_ have to bust you!"

There was a pause.

"Alright, what do you want this time?" The scientist sighed.

"I just need twenty dollars to go get a movie ticket. All I have is five." Vanessa replied.

"TWENTY DOLLARS!" Doof cried. "_CURSE YOU, MOVIE THEATER INDUSTRY!_"

"You see?" Phineas said. "That is exactly what Ferb and I were thinking about earlier!"

"Alright, alright…ten, fifteen…there! That should do it." Doof grumbled.

"Thanks, Dad!" Vanessa kissed her father on the cheek before scuttling back out of the room. Doof sighed.

"She's my precious little girl…what was I saying? Oh yeah! I was considering informing the authorities about your absence. However, due to one earlier 'Parking Meter-Inator' incident, they have a warrant out for my arrest—not too bad, three months tops. But I can't just let you guys be missing, can I?"

"No!" Irving exclaimed.

"So what should be done?" Doof asked.

"Go to the police and tell them everything!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"Make absolutely certain that you are arrested!" Albert added. Doof grunted in frustration.

"Well, you guys are just no help at all! Go back and watch your movie; I'll take care of it myself!"

"Fine, fine, you clearly know what you're doing." Buford raised his hands innocently as they all returned into the screening room. "But just so you know—your fly's down."

"Oh my goodness, that's—" Doof stopped short when he remembered the purely audio-based nature of his contact with them. "Oh, very funny."

Buford laughed. "Yes, yes it is!

/

"**Oh, dear master Eye, you have opened your lids on this pathetic infinity once more!" The man of blood cried out. "I am your messenger—I shall send out words! Words that speak of your arrival!"**

"Because the giant eyeball in the sky was _so_ inconspicuous!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"**Words that speak of your vengeance! Words that speak of your hatred of the shameful wastes of the spoils that you had so graciously spared! I shall send all of the words of your wrath down upon their worthless skins, to rot and be fetid upon first contact! These will be the carcasses that build up the foundations of your palace of inferno!"**

"If you'll excuse me, I think I'm just going to go and read the entire phone book. I'm sure I won't miss anything…" Candace began to stand up.

"_Sit down_." Buford reprimanded.

"**Every promise you have forced will come into fruition. You are the queen of the end of time, and I am one of the weak that has so gracefully been selected to bring about your mark. This planet shall not be spared this time, shall it? Shall we ensure for you, queen, that this rock crumbles beneath our fingertips? We shall bleed it out! Pain to bleed! Pain to be bled!"**

"Shut up would you, would you shut up?" Albert began to sing to the tune of the "Jeopardy!" theme. "Please stop talking this very instant, shut up would you, would you shut up? Please, I beg you to shut up."

**The blood-monster then cried out some sort of gibberish that can only be described as "AFRGARRFRYGGALYXXNARAUGH!" or something of the like. It then coughed out a long stream of green liquid from what seemed to be its mouth. This lasted for a few minutes before the river weakened, and then finally dying. Wherever the green touched the grass, there was the sizzling of the grass dying and forming into a sickly brown mass.**

"Excuse me; I just had a bit of indigestion." Phineas spoke as the blood man.

**The man finally said nothing more, falling back into a puddle and dripping off of the hill and into the city below. The screen suddenly cut to a background of solid orange.**

"Screw the story at hand!" Albert exclaimed. "It's NICKTOONS TIME!"

"Don't advocate that; we're on the Disney Channel." Candace replied.

"Excuse me; we sort of have a _fourth wall_ to uphold here!" Buford cut in.

**The number "1" appeared on the screen, followed by a "+", then another "1", and then "=". Instead of the number "2" at the end, there was a large red splatter of what seemed to be blood.**

"No it doesn't!" Baljeet cried, in response to the mathematics.

"Wow. First grade really lied to me." Isabella said.

"Fine movie, fine!" Baljeet was standing now. "It is perfectly acceptable to bend the laws of physics and nature as though they are constructed of rubber! We do that on a day-to-day basis around here! And you can offer no explanations for your ridiculous plot points! Fine and _dandy!_ _HOWEVER!_ There is one thing I will not allow, and that is _messing around with __my__ mathematical principles!_"

"Baljeet, are you okay?" Phineas asked. Baljeet laughed hysterically.

"Okay? Am I _okay?_ I'm riding first class on the joy rainbow sunshine F-16 to the land of chocolate and cotton candy!"

There was a pause.

"I'm going to take that as a 'no', if that's alright with you." Phineas answered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Poptart Notes: Read, enjoy, and review if you can!**

**Ooh…crap…I ran out of things to say.**

…

_**SING THE PRAI-SES OF **__**PANTS**__**! **_***runs away***

/

_Chapter Six: Would You Believe Me if I Told You that This is Where the Movie REALLY Loses its S**t?_

/

After an approximate four minutes of garbled, mangled, angry gibberish, Baljeet finally managed to calm down.

"Okay," He panted, "I am now finished."

"You sure?" Buford asked. "I don't need to hit you or anything?" Baljeet glared to him.

"No."

**More blood-like splatters proceeded to litter the screen image, until it was all a red expanse.**

"That's nice." Albert noted dully.

"New Blood-Blood: Now with one-hundred percent more blood!" Candace exclaimed cheerfully.

"Product of the Hasbro Toy and Game Company." Buford added.

**There was suddenly the yowling of a wildcat and the white glint of gnashing teeth. The redness was swept off of the screen to reveal two wild-looking cat's eyes.**

"Found you!" Irving cried. "You're 'it'!"

**The image zoomed out to reveal that the wild, mangy animal was none other than the upper-class kitten, though he was now a corpse from the waist down.**

"The kitten is back?" Isabella asked.

"Holy cheese!" Buford gasped. "This movie has some sort of _continuity!_"

"**Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!" An unseen choir chanted in the background.**

"Or slaughter." Baljeet added. "That works just as well."

**The kitten stared up into the sky, just in time to see that the Eye was slowly drifting back shut. He hissed in reply to this, and the Eye immediately sprung right back open, death-staring to him.**

"Who _DARES_ to disturb the nap-time of the mighty Sauron?" Albert roared.

**In almost a second, the kitten fell over dead. His body instantly decomposed into the same greenish soil as before.**

"Well," Phineas said, "at least now a red fern can grow from his body."

**Out from the soil sprung out a human arm, with a sting of dramatic music.**

"—Or that could happen."

**The scene suddenly cut over to a group of lizards trekking over the desert.**

"Hurry, gang!" Buford spoke for one of the lizards. "We don't wanna be late for the apocalypse!"

**A burst of psychedelic music suddenly occurred, and the sand dunes began to flash in several tye-dye colors.**

"So this movie was made in the late sixties." Candace announced. "Of course, it's the only explanation."

"The producers should've watched more 'Dragnet'." Albert added.

**Several multicolored plants began to rise from the dunes, and the sand grew grass and began to morph into numerous downs.**

"_The hills are ALIIIIVE…with the sound of nonsense!_" Irving suddenly started up.

**The music then cut off all at once after a few moments, and the whole scene lit into flames.**

"Quick! Burn the drugs! Burn the drugs!" Albert cried.

"Who are you supposed to be, here?" Candace asked.

"The writers."

**The camera cut to the back of one of the lizard's heads. It turned around, revealing that it had a human face.**

Irving yelped in surprise and recoiled.

"I didn't know Amy Winehouse was cast in this." Buford noted.

"**The end time is now…" It declared it a hoarse, rasping voice. The image then zoomed out on the lizard, where it was then smashed by an anvil.**

"And it's coming with all the subtlety of a flying warship." Baljeet added.

**The anvil was promptly driven further into the ground by an elephant coming out of nowhere explicable and stepping on it.**

"—That is exploding."

**The camera slowly panned up to reveal that the "elephant" had the head of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.**

"—With rainbow ninjas and machine-gun sharks."

"Phineas, when this is over, can you make _me_ and Tyrannosaurus Elephant?" Irving asked hopefully.

"We'll see about that later, Irving." Phineas replied.

**The "T-Phant" gave a final roar before the image faded to black.**

Everybody gave a disappointed groan.

"I WANT MORE ELEPHANT REX!" Buford shouted at the top of his voice, throwing his drink at the screen. "THE MOVIE SHOULD'VE BEEN ABOUT HIM!"

**When the screen faded back into an image, it showed a rather current-looking suburban home. An elderly man was knocking on the front door. A lady, dressed in a large, puffy pink dress, came to answer it.**

"The rare Mrs. Umbridge in her natural habitat." Phineas declared.

**She stared, blinking at the man for several moments, before giving a slow "Hello" in a high, nasally voice.**

"My name is Snooty McSnooter-Snoot!" Candace imitated her in her highest, most British voice possible. "Who are you, sir?"

**The man stared back at her for a time, before just ripping her "welcome" mat off from the porch and chewing on it.**

There was a long pause throughout the theater.

"…_What._" Albert finally broke the silence.

**It then switched scenes to the interior of the house, panning slowly through the living room, where it paused on the fireplace. It then began to focus strictly on the picture right overhead of it. The picture was of a red-haired, bearded man, who gave an ominous stare out into the entire audience.**

"'The Menacing Eye'—featuring _CHUCK NORRIS _as the portrait over the mantle!" Irving exclaimed.

**The image returned to the outside, where the woman in pink was still staring at the old man, who was still chewing on her porch mat. Slowly, the man began to fade until he was fully transparent—and apparently disappeared as the mat fell back onto the porch from his mouth. Still staring blankly, the woman returned inside of her house, pausing only at the staircase to call up, "Cranberry muffins! On the counter!" She then resumed her walk until she came to the family room, which was now quite cluttered with wooden figures, of all shapes and sizes, that had appeared between scenes. The woman reached into a large pocket on the front of her dress and pulled out a small lighter. She gave a quick flick on its switch, and they quickly cut back to the exterior view of the house, which then exploded entirely.**

Candace leaned forward in her chair with her head cocked to one side. Albert took off his glasses and squinted hard at the screen.

Isabella clapped her hands together. "Well!" She declared. "Now that that horrific event is over, how about those cranberry muffins?"

There was another pause in the room.

"Ya know, I really want some muffins now." Buford announced.

/


	7. Chapter 7

**Poptart: People are acting like this is really **_**funny**_**. That's kind of strange, considering that it's me and I'm just pulling stuff out of my $$ as we roll.**

…**That's pretty much the only logical explanation for tME, though.**

**Well, reader-people, you know the drill. Remember, reviews feed the writer *opens mouth and points*!**

/

_Chapter 7: Commentators Gonna Commentate…I Need a Pay Raise._

/

**Several fiery bits from the exploded house rained down upon the pavement. The camera image slowly zoomed in and focused on one particular thing—the portrait of the red-haired gentleman with the beard, which was burning to a crisp.**

"_Chuck Norris, NO!_" Irving cried.

"I must admit; he stole the show." Baljeet nodded. Everybody else murmured their consent.

**The camera faded slowly to black. A muttering became barely audible in the background, gradually growing louder and more coherent. The shot was then revealed to have been panning down, showing that it was underground. In the middle of the screen was a large hollow that had been made in the earth, in which happened to be two owls. Just as the society of cats had been, they were both finely dressed in the clothes of mankind. One of these owls was slouched over, sitting at a writing desk and looking over some documents. He kept setting and removing his monocle from his beak, and he seemed to be quite bored.**

"Alright, Phil, I've decided." Albert, with a heaving sigh, spoke as the owl. "This screenplay has to be the most incoherent crap I have ever laid my eyes on."

**The other owl, who was pacing the floor of the small bunker, was the one that was doing the talking.**

"**I do even say that it's blasphemous. In the over two thousand years of my life I have never heard of such a thing!" It exclaimed.**

"Well, except for maybe that one vacation in Montego Bay." Phineas imitated the owl that had been speaking. "Now _that_ was a rally."

"**I'll tell you what's blasphemous is this business proposal." The gray owl at the desk muttered. "Whatever they want they'll try to take. Well, Fosdick, they'll have to pry **_**this**_** one from my dead claws even if it's the last thing that ever happens in the world!" **

**Rather than reply, the brown owl smacked the gray upside the head with his wing.**

"OWNED!" Everybody cried out at once.

"**Shame, shame, shame on you, Edward, my fellow!" Fosdick exclaimed. "You know perfectly well what is happening in the above world!"**

"**So I do!" Edward barked back. "And I don't care if Armageddon buries her snout right down into our burrow here; **_**that**_** is going to happen **_**before**_** I surrender this division!"**

"**Oh, money!" Fosdick groaned. "You want money, Ed, old chap? Here!" He smacked his companion with his wing. **

"**Ouch!"**

"**One peso!"**

"**Fosdick, you ignorant—"**

**Smack!**

"**Two Euros!"**

**Smack!**

"**Three shillings!"**

"**Fosdick, when I get my talons on you—"**

**Smack!**

"**Congratulations! One dollar!"**

"**FOSDICK!"**

**The fight continued underground as the camera slowly panned back up. The voices of the owls slowly faded into the background.**

"I didn't know you could measure pain in random currencies." Candace said. Buford leaned over to Baljeet, flicking him on the ear.

"OW!" Baljeet cried. "Buford!"

"What, you don't want that nickel?" Buford asked innocently.

**When the image returned to above ground, it showed that the Eye had fully opened. The sky was a glowing shade of red, and it seemed to be raining blood.**

"So, is this the apocalypse?" Isabella asked.

"Nah, too obvious." Irving dismissed.

**The drops formed sticky puddles on the ground, which formed several of the blood-men like the one that had been previously shown. They all vomited out the green acidic substance onto the city buildings. They all disintegrated into small piles of…**

"If those are _mushrooms_, I will shoot myself, ASAP." Candace growled.

"I have bad news for you, then." Albert replied.

"Good news for the Smurfs, on the other hand." Baljeet added.

**Several cats were running away, strangely on all fours. They were not fast enough, however, and were caught in the acid blasts. The blasts disintegrated the cats into debris rather than the portabellas, but for just a split second before the cats were turned into humans.**

"Sir, the Humanizer-Ray is a bit faulty!" Phineas exclaimed.

**In the midst of all the action was revealed to be a small log cabin.**

"All that was found the next morning was a copy of the book 'Millbank' and a ragdoll named Charlotte." Albert said.

"First off—'Millbank' was first mentioned after they had moved into the sod house." Irving cut in. "Secondly—for that joke you are going to a _bad_ place."

"Oh, heck with this." Buford jumped into the conversation. "We're taking another break."

"I can agree with that." Isabella said as she stood up. Everyone filed out of the room once again.

/

"So, pain can be measured in all kinds of money?" Buford asked when everyone had taken their seats back in the concessions area.

"Apparently so." Phineas replied.

"Alright then." Buford grabbed Baljeet by the head and gave him a noogie. He then set him back in his seat, where he looked quite dazed. "About how much is that worth?"

"Buford, we're not going to measure the amount of pain you inflict on Baljeet!" Isabella protested.

"Thank you." Baljeet muttered, still half out of it.

"Aww…" Buford groaned.

"I'd actually say that that was about forty-nine pounds." Ferb piped up. Buford seemed amazed.

"Only forty-nine?" He exclaimed. "What would I have to do to make it to a million bucks?"

"You'd have to do what I can do in 'Super Gunman 4: Revenge of Keith' in real life." Ferb replied calmly. After a pause, he added, "Four times in a row."

"That's gonna be tough, Buford." Phineas said.

There was a pause in the room, as everyone had run out of things to say.

"Where's Perry now?" Isabella suddenly asked.

"Where could he possibly have managed to go this time?" Candace exclaimed. She turned to her brother and said, "Phineas, when I see that platypus, don't be surprised when I kick him."

"PETA won't allow that!" Buford exclaimed.

"Heck with PETA; we're in space!" Candace cried back to him. There was then another silence. Baljeet began to stir a bit, regaining his wits.

"Is Perry gone?" He asked slowly.

Candace smacked herself on the forehead. "Phineas, I want a commercial break. Now."

"Can do!" Phineas replied cheerfully. He turned to you and announced, "We'll be right back!"

/

**Poptart Footnotes: For all who are slightly confused with the discussion of things like "Millbank", it's a reference to the Little House book series.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Poptart Notes: I've reached the point where I'm out of stuff to say—oh wait, no I haven't! It's time for…SELF ADVERTISEMENT!**

**So, how many of you all have heard of the "Phineas and Ferb Fanon Wiki"? Well, there is one, and I have an account there (PoptartPlus). Just type the whole thing into your Google search if you're curious. Anyway, I have made a page there for this particular fanfic, (just look up the title through **_**that**_** site's search bar) and there is a section of "notable quotes", which I have left to the open for others who feel free to edit. Now, *pokes you with a trident* I don't want to pressure you to do it if you don't want to. But, if you do, and have any quotes from this story in mind, make sure you divide them into sections as to what movie they're in and define who they're from. Gracias!**

**Read and review, or the trident will stab you again! :D**

/

_Chapter 8: Albert Gives Up_

/

"Welcome back, everyone!" Isabella greeted you.

"…And then we were basically stuck in the middle of the highway. With a rake." Irving finished off for the moment. Buford kept him from speaking again with an urgent snapping of his fingers.

"Ooh! Ooh!" He exclaimed. "That's it! You guys! I saw you guys down there!"

"Seriously?" Albert raised an eyebrow. "Wait, you weren't that crazy idiot hitchhiker on the side of the road dressed like Bill Cosby, were you?"

"Those sweaters were on sale!" Buford protested. "They were freakin' _comfy_, too!"

"Look, guys!" Phineas interrupted as he and his brother strode back into the room, a platypus clutched in the hands of the redhead. "We found Perry! Wow, Ferb; you were right! It really _is_ much easier to go and look for him!" His brother nodded in agreement.

"Platypus! Yippee!" Candace twirled her fingers above her head in sarcastic celebration. "That totally makes me forget that we're in the hideous, unfathomable, gaping, deep void of space! Oh, wait, _no it does not_."

"Actually," Phineas went on with a grin, "I was just about to talk about that. We have even better news!"

And with that, Ferb brandished an old toolbox, filled with proper supplies. Candace cried for joy.

"Oh my gosh! You can build us something to get us home!" With that, she thrust her arms around the necks of her brothers in a bone-crushing hug, with a long, endless stream of the phrase "I love you". Baljeet, whose consciousness had returned fully and who had wandered over to the window, was the one that cut her off.

"Um, I'm afraid that there will be a slight complication…" He murmured.

"Why?" Candace asked.

"Because I can no longer see the planet Earth…"

Candace shrieked and charged over to where Baljeet stood, followed by some others, only to discover that, indeed, the structure was floating too far from their home planet to be within sight of it.

"Um, I don't think Ferb and I can build anything that can give distance like that from scratch, and we don't have enough materials in this building for a rocket…" Phineas piped up as he looked out. Defeated, Candace buried her face in her hands and slumped forth against the wall.

"But we _do _have another idea!" Her brother suddenly declared, and his tone was enthusiastic enough to make Candace look back up. "At least, _I _have another idea. Hey, Heinz!"

"What? What is it?" The squeaking voice of the doctor rang out from the ceiling.

"Heinz, I have a proposition for you." Phineas grinned in that rare way that he only used when he knew he was going to get what he wanted.

"Lay it on me, kid."

"Well, judging by what you said of your…" Phineas paused here, trying to think up a word. "…_Brilliant_ Perry-Tracker-A-tron—"

"Tracker-_Inator_." Doof corrected him. "And yes, I remember."

"—we think you happen to be an inventing buff. And it just so happens that," Here, Phineas paused to pull his brother close to his side, "My brother Ferb and I happen to be inventors ourselves!"

"Ooh, whee." You could practically hear Heinz rolling his eyes. "What do you make? Cardboard forts? Paper airplanes? Or—gasp!—robot models?"

Irving made an incredulous coughing sound. "Give me a break!" He exclaimed. "If you wanna know what Phineas and Ferb can do, _then_ _I'll tell you_."

"Alright," Doof replied, "Tell me."

Irving took a single deep breath in, and instantly began to rattle off a long list of the boys' projects, in rapid succession and without any pauses. It took about three minutes altogether, and just to save time, it was all replaced with a single "Three Minutes Later" text card, which was all that any viewer could be able to see. By the time Irving was finished, he hadn't even broken into panting from lack of breath. Everybody else in the facility had zoned out.

Doofenshmirtz, meanwhile, was utterly shocked.

"Alright, fine." He finally spoke. "I admit it; they're pretty good. Now, going back to that other kid—what was that proposition you were blathering about a while ago?"

"Here's my suggestion:" Phineas started back up. "Periodically, maybe every couple of weeks or so, we meet back together with our own inventions. All other people present will submit votes on whose invention they think is better. If we win a particular week, then we get to send a letter home."

"How?" Isabella piped up.

"Hey, boss! Didn't you build a Letter-Transport-Inator last week?" Norm, who had just entered the lab, asked Doof.

"Hm…you're right, Norm; I did!" Doof exclaimed. "I guess we'll use that. But what happens if _I_ win?"

Everybody in space considered this for a moment.

"Uh, buy yourself some almond brittle or something." Albert suggested half-heartedly. Doof perked up at this.

"Really? Alright! You kids have a deal!"

"Does this mean we get to stop watching that stupid movie?" Baljeet asked hopefully.

"Don't be ridiculous. Now get back in there." The scientist replied. Everybody groaned and went back into the screening room.

/

**The image went to an interior shot of the cabin, every square inch of which was covered with fabric patterns and knit blankets.**

"Man, did knitting club get crazy last night or what?" Phineas asked.

**A teenaged girl, who seemed to be half-human and half-feline, was lying on the floor.**

Irving made a bizarre sound of disturbance in the back of his throat as Albert shielded his eyes.

"Children!" Buford exclaimed. "Avert ye eyes!"

"Why should I?" Baljeet asked, and his tone suggested that he wasn't too bothered himself.

"**Desiree!" A woman's voice cried out.**

"Ugh, why did you have to give her a Hooter's employee name, too?" Candace asked, recoiling in disgust.

**The feline-female, who seemed to have been asleep, opened her eyes and sat up.**

"**Yes, mother?" She asked.**

"How many times do I have to tell you not to wear that thing in the house?" Buford asked in a high-pitched imitation of Desiree's mother. "Who keeps giving it to you? Is it Dale? I told you that he was trouble! Don't you _dare_ ever _speak_ to him again!"

"**Do you see outside?"**

**Desiree stood up, stretched, and padded over to the window, sticking her head out with mild interest.**

"Mhmm, mhmm, mhmm…" Phineas hummed as the femme-line looked at the surrounding world. "Yep, that's the outdoors, alright!"

"**Why, it's…it's…it's…" She stammered as she observed.**

"Mon-TEE Python's fly-ing Cirr-CUSS!" Isabella cheered, standing up in her seat a brief moment.

"**A Netherworld!"**

"Yeah, well, that's Michigan for ya." Buford grumbled.

"Actually, that's partially correct." Irving noted.

"**Guard the walls." Her mother commanded.**

"You're just a brick in it!" Candace exclaimed.

"**Yes, mother." Desiree complied. At that moment, her eyes began to illuminate with a bright red color that burned through the dimness of the room.**

"Hey, guys," Baljeet suddenly spoke up. "If this room is covered in _cloth_…"

"Baljeet, stop yourself before it gets worse." Buford tried to warn him. Baljeet, sadly, ignored him.

"…Then couldn't you say that the story has been _fabricated?_"

Everybody else in the theater groaned in desperation. Irving buried his face in both hands and let out a ragged sob. Candace stood up, a fire blazing in her eyes, to grab Baljeet by the wrist and drag him out again.

"Wha—NO, NO! PLEASE, I AM SO, SO SORRY!" Baljeet shrieked.

"I'm sorry too, bud." Candace hissed.

After the two had left, with Baljeet's cries of despair fading into nothing, there was a pause in the room.

"Moving right along…" Isabella commented.

**A large metal structure, like a cage, had risen around the cabin, as an exterior shot revealed. Desiree's eyes ceased glowing at this.**

"Despite all her rage, she is still just a…" Albert began. "Um…a…cat...lady-hybrid-thing in a cage, I guess."

"That one sort of just fell apart on ya, didn't it?" Irving asked.

"Stupid movie's fault, not mine."

**At this moment, a nearby telephone started to ring. The cat stared at it for a moment, as though frightened. She exchanged a glance with her mother, who had the same expression. She picked up the phone, and whatever was being said through it wasn't given to the audience. Desiree exchanged a second look with her mother.**

"Ooh!" Ferb finally began to speak. "Mum, Satan is calling! He's selling these wonderful sandwich grills for one mortal soul apiece!"

**More slowly than necessary, Desiree hung up the phone.**

"**The men have arisen from the dead." She said solemnly.**

"I smell an upcoming mass Thriller Dance!" Buford exclaimed gleefully.

**Desiree's mother recoiled and held back a shriek of horror. The scene switched over to one several minutes earlier, with the patches of green soil. The arm that poked out of placed itself firmly on the ground, and the rest of the body, silhouetted, pulled itself up. The image switched back to Desiree, who was giving a desperate look out the window. Several silhouettes were approaching the cabin. When they were within a few hundred yards of the establishment, it turned to a glittering dust that blew away in the wind.**

"Everything is dust in the wind." Irving sighed.

"You mean that's in our air?" Isabella asked. Buford shuddered.

"Great. We're breathing a high saturation of pollutants."

**There came a great beam of light from the sky—which was revealed to come from the opened Eye—which shined upon the undead humans. They were revealed to be a couple of feet tall and bright orange.**

Phineas, Buford, and Isabella suffered extreme hysterics, whereas Ferb just rested his face in his hands.

"Oompa Loompa, doopity doo!" Irving sang aloud. "We are all gonna massacre you!"

And, as everyone else laughed, Albert stood up, threw his hands into air in the universal sign for "I surrender" and left the room.

/


	9. Chapter 9

**Poptart Notes: What? No edits? *pouts* Fine, be that way.**

**FEED THE AUTHOR RAWRZ**

"**Brains" ©Voltaire (the musician, you silly geese)**

/

_Chapter 9: That Which Does Not Kill Us Only Serves to Make Us Stronger—Oh, What in the F*ck._

/

After about another minute of the sputtering hysterics, everybody left in the room fell prey to deep gasps for air in a feeble attempt to calm themselves.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay…" Buford panted. "So, apparently, the Chocolate Factory has decided to go on strike, and in a big way!"

**Slowly trudging along, the orange humans made their way through town.**

At this moment, Candace came back into the room with not only a once-again dripping Baljeet, but also an armload of Albert, who was protesting her redelivering of him like a bratty child.

"You can't make me! I won't do it!"

"Just shut. Up. And. WATCH." Candace demanded as she threw both the older and younger boys into their previous chairs.

**Leaping up onto the fleeing felines and attaching their mouths to their skulls, the undead humans killed the cats on contact, with them falling down dead as they sucked out pieces of brain.**

"Brains, brains, I won't lie!" Phineas began to sing, bobbing a bit as though there were music playing. "I'll eat their brains till they're zombified! Sure, they might think it's deranged, but they won't give it a thought after I've eaten their brains!"

"Ew!" Isabella recoiled. "No, Phineas!"

"I'm sorry."

**The screen then cut to the image of some of the undead leaning onto each other's skulls in an attempt to receive sustenance. I guess. Don't judge me; I'm just the exposition master. I can't even tell what the fragidoodle is going on here.**

"Hsst!" Irving hissed. "Steve! Stop breathing on my neck!

**The image closed in on one dead cat sprawled upon the pavement. Suddenly, sparse drops of a rosy liquid began to dabble across the concrete, the camera shot rolled upwards to reveal several green tree frogs, with propellers on their heads, fluttering about the sky and spitting down the pink substance to the Earth below.**

Everybody sat in silence, jaws slightly dropped, before everyone shook their heads and shot forth in their chairs, making exasperated hand gestures and exclaiming, "WORST! APOCALYPSE! EVER!"

**The shot cut to the image of the Eye high up in the gray storm, blinking as it glared down upon the citizens.**

"Oh, lord, why did I sign on to be in this pile?" Albert muttered, speaking for the Eye.

**And then, total darkness.**

"The entire filmmaking staff was found dead at the bottom of a lake three weeks later. There were no survivors." Candace announced. Buford clapped.

"HOORAY!"

After Buford's applauding died off, there was a silence in the room. Everybody glanced around awkwardly as the image remained black.

"Is the movie over, or what?" Baljeet asked.

"Phineas, are we dead?" Irving leaned over to the triangle-headed boy.

"No, no we aren't." Phineas replied. "And you know?" He stood up. "Maybe this is for the best. Take a look around. Are we bleeding? Writhing? In what a doctor would call critical condition? No! We're all okay! And that's to our benefit! Don't you guys understand? We're watching this hideous movie, and nothing bad has happened to us! In fact, we've gained some strange obscure film trivia for all this that we can use to our advantage on Jeopardy someday!"

"What, you mean when Jeopardy elimination means falling into a volcano to certain doom?" Albert asked.

"Heck, no!" Phineas exclaimed. "You don't see? We can defeat this movie! We can move past it! We're…_stronger_ just if we can get through it! And we _can _get through it!"

"Yeah!" Everybody cried out in response.

"Now, let's sit down and—"

**Slowly, against the black, red credits rolled along.**

"OF ALL THE MORONIC, HIDEOUS, NO-GOOD COP OUTS…" Phineas sputtered.

"Oh lord." Candace sighed. "It's finally happened. He's snapped.

/

_To be concluded…_


	10. Chapter 10

**Poptart Notes: Goooooood day, world! I have returned after my brief lack of presence! I apologize for the last chapter's brevity. Or that you all sorta had to watch that movie…enjoy!**

_/_

_Chapter 10: HALLELJOH COME ON._

/

The platypus had found time for escape once again. Back behind the (inexistent) janitor's closet's furnace, he toyed again with his watch until it once more produced the image of Francis Monogram.

"Agent P., we have good news." He announced. "First of all, Carl has found the name of that old T.V. show that I asked him to find earlier. And now he can't stop singing the variations of their theme song."

"_IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT-FUTURE, SOMEWHERE OFF TIME AND SPACE…_" Carl crooned out of key from behind the camera.

There was a pause.

"…Actually," Monogram corrected himself, "that was _bad_ news. But we DO have some other good news—how we can get you to stop Doofenshmirtz." On this line, Monogram pulled up a small, sparkling, pink platypus-sized tutu and an old hair-encrusted Barbie Doll© tiara, which, from the looks of it, had been left under the H.Q.'s lounge couch for forty years.

"This will be your disguise." Monogram's face was all-seriousness.

Perry blinked once, twice, three times before slowly turning off his watch and returning to all fours.

/

In more pleasant news, Phineas' rampage had ceased, and he was currently behaving like his normal self. Everyone else, sadly, could not take the horrors of all they had seen, and were currently drowning in their own self-pity in the concessions area.

"How I wish…" Irving muttered, both hands clapped over his buzz-cut as he slumped onto the table. "Oh, how I wish I was dead…"

"We have more of this to do…" Buford whimpered. "WE HAVE MORE OF THIS TO DO!..."

"Well!" The squeaky voice rang out from the ceiling again like a broken siren. "I see that this film did little to serve your interests?"

"DOOF!" Albert exclaimed as he shot up from his seat. "You don't know how lucky you ARE that I'm not there with you…with my hands…which would be around your neck!"

"Ooh, I'm SO terrified."

"So, what was that?" Candace sighed.

"Well, that was an animated feature originally titled 'L'oeil Menaçant'. Produced in 1974, it was entered into the Cannes Film Festival. While constantly accused of trying to capitalize on the ground of praise for 'La Planète Sauvage', an equal narcotic substitute entered into the same festival a year prior—'Special Grand Prix', by the way—it still managed to reach fourth placing." Doofenshmirtz explained as he rifled through information on the web.

"There better have been THREE entrants that year." Baljeet declared.

"Well, Doof," Phineas began, "I guess that we'll be doing our invention-eering next week. But in the meantime—what's our next assignment?"

"Tomorrow? 'King Billy'—The tale of one boy's quest to be the most obnoxious little twerp alive!"

"Kill me." Albert groaned.

"Well," Isabella suddenly waved to the audience, and everyone, even the sulking, followed suit. "That's all for now! Thanks for stopping by, and we'll see you next time!"

/

**Serendipitous Science Theater 3000**

**Executive Producer—Poppy deTharte**

**Producers—Jacob Commardie, Phillip Hardy, and Sandra Nagarrton**

**Written by Poppy deTharte, May A. Sorena, Hilton O'Terra, Kisney Fisher, Edich Willow, U.N Intide, Gary Redforge (and his little girl!), Lance Vartner, and Schindler "Spin" G. Forfadefor**

**Edited by Arnold Johannes and Kelly Morganson**

**Directed by Steve DeMarr**

**Candace Flynn...Candace Hedley**

**Phineas Flynn…Phineas Hardton**

**Ferb Fletcher…Fabian "Ferb" Nielson**

**Buford Van Stomm…Buford Evansley**

**Isabella Garcia-Shapiro…Isabella Hernando**

**Baljeet Rai…Baljeet Kibarkimah**

**Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz…Heinz Ichbeinottz, Ph.D.**

**Major Francis Monogram…Francis Martin**

**Albert…Albert McAllister**

**Irving…Irving McAllister**

**Vanessa Doofenshmirtz…Vanessa Umbreling**

**Norm the Robot…Norm N. Atore**

**Carl the Intern…Carl Hickson**

**Perry the Platypus…Ben Gershwin**

**Camera—Joseph Hannon, Didi Bennet, and Arthur Nixon**

**Set Painters—Nathan and Margaret Peters**

**Props—Nathan and Margaret Peters, Didi Bennet, Heinz Ichbeinottz, Phineas Hardton, and Fabian Nielson**

**CGI models by Noodles Nine Productions, S. Korea**

**Special thanks to Disney International, Gangrene Pictures, Luxury Blood International, and Best Brains Incorporated**

"**The Menacing Eye"/** **"L'oeil Menaçant" © 1974 Gangrene Pictures and Luxury Blood International**

"**Serendipitous Science Theater 3000", "SST3K", "Phineas and Ferb", and all characters and logos are property of the Disney Company**

**No character in this production has been based off of any person in relations to the creators or otherwise, living or dead, and any such resemblances are entirely coincidental.**

**Distributed by Disney Channel U.S**

"**Serendipitous Science Theater 3000" ©the Walt Disney Company, 2011**

**All rights reserved**

/

_Next time, on SST3K!—"King Billy", the introduction!_


	11. Chapter 11

**Poptart Notes: The rules only state that "MST3K" stories are ones that have copied other works with commentary in between. I have checked. All the films featured in this work are 100% fictional.**

/

_Chapter 11: The King of Twits_

/

_In the very near future,_

_In fact, as we sing,_

_Phineas and Ferb and all their friends are going through the strangest thing,_

_First they built a theater for cinematic films,_

_Then were shot into space's crazy realms,_

_Then they heard from a guy who gave them this curse,_

_Some crazy evil doctor that goes by 'Doofenshmirtz',_

"That would be me." The doctor spoke over the music, pointing to himself. He then carried the song on:

_"I'll send them cheesy movies—"_

"The worst you can find?" Norm interrupted. Doof glared at him.

"Of course, the worst!" He exclaimed. The doctor then resumed.

_"La la la! They'll have to sit and watch them all—_And you know, just for the sake of it, _I think I'll monitor their minds—La la la!"_

_Now keep in mind the boys can't control where the movies start and end—la la la!—but they'll just sit back and watch them casually, with the help of all their friends!_

(Supporting main cast in one, two, three!)

_Candace!_ "You're busted!"

_Buford!_ "Prepare for a beating!"

_Isabella!_ "Whee!"

_Baljeet!_ "Where is the music coming from?"

_Irving!_ "Wah-hoo!"

_Albert!_ "I've yet to receive any reason of how this all happened..."

_Per-rrrrr-yyyy!_ "Gchrchgrchgrcghrgrrrr..."

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts, just remember that it's just a show-_

"Wait, wait, wait a minute!" Phineas interrupted the music. "Where's Perry?"

"We're in the middle of the solar system, A.K.A., absolutely nowhere, and you're only worried about where Perry went?" Candace cried. Isabella leaned into frame.

_"You should really just relax!"_ She sang so the main theme could restart.

_For "Serendipitous Science Theater 3000"!_

/

"Isaac, why couldn't you be honest with me?" Irving cried into Buford's face, clutching his shirt. As a response, Buford shoved him off, tearing up.

"I told you before, woman, this wasn't your business!" He barked to him.

"Isaac—please put that thing away!" Irving slowly backed down as Buford pulled out a large Nerf Gun from visibly nowhere. "Isaac!"

"This is for your benefit, baby."

"Hill, you've gone mad." Baljeet intercepted the flow of dialogue between them, stepping in front of Irving.

"Outta my way, Don." Buford snarled, aiming the gun at the head of Phineas, who had taken position behind Irving. "I ain't above blowing away your precious little daddy."

"Isaac, stop this nonsense right now!" Phineas demanded. "You've gone too far this—"

"BOOM!" Buford declared, moving his blaster as though he had fired. Phineas staggered and collapsed, while Irving shrieked.

"DAD!" Baljeet crumpled to Phineas' side in tears, all while Buford laughed in insanity.

"I WIN! I WIN! I'VE DONE IT…" He stopped to breathe. "WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

Albert nearly walked by them in the background, holding a laundry basket. He suddenly halted, registering Buford's last lines. First acknowledging the viewer with a nod, he approached them with suspicion.

"Good morning, Albert!" Phineas saluted him from the floor. Buford hissed for him to be silent.

"You're supposed to be dead!"

"Sorry." Phineas apologized sheepishly.

"What are you doing?" Albert asked flatly.

"Since last week's film was so unabashedly terrible, we decided to cleanse our minds of the memory by acting out from a _good_ movie!" Phineas explained.

"'The Burning Isle', 1942." Buford added. "In this powerful scene, Philadelphia gangster Isaac Hill loses his temper with the people around him after losing millions in a game of Black Jack, holding his fiancée Vera hostage in a warehouse…"

"Hi!" Irving said.

"…Where his best friend slash gangster, Don Haldon, his father George, who also doubles as Isaac's psychiatrist, and Mayor William Horton…"

"Me." Ferb noted.

"…All attempt to intervene, as his life has been spiraling for five years." Buford finished.

"Okay," Albert sighed, "So, Irving…why are YOU marrying Buford?"

"Well, I'm the most feminine."

"Isabella? Candace?" Albert raised an eyebrow as he set the clothesbasket onto the floor.

"Candace would not participate." Baljeet answered. "As for Isabella…"

He was then cut off, as at that moment, a shrill voice came shrieking, "BOOM! BANG! BOOM!" And Isabella ran in, holding an oversized prop gun in either hand, and randomly shooting about at the walls. Suddenly, with one gun, she smacked Buford across the face and pinned his shoulder to the floor.

"Ah, so it's you again?" She sneered. "I thought I heard some commotion up in my apartment. Well, I finally got you now…and a warrant for your arrest! Ain't this a great day?—Oh, hi Albert!"

"Who would you be?" Albert asked.

"Police Chief's daughter Sandra Hawkins. Loved Isaac Hill for twenty years. HATES Vera. If she can't have Isaac, then no one can!"

"See, Irving?" Albert exclaimed. "You coulda been this chick, and Isabella coulda been Vera. At least Sandra does something in the PLOT."

"That's what you say, but Vera gets all the attention away from Isaac later by massacring three full bars of innocents across America."

"You just spoiled it, you idiot!" Buford smacked Irving with the butt of his gun.

"Ow."

"Al-BERT!" A female voice suddenly cried. "WHERE IS THE LAUNDRY?" And on that note, Candace stalked out into the open, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Albert's eyes widened for a moment.

"Uh, here." He offered her the basket. Candace grabbed it away from him and returned in an instant, an astonished look on her face.

"They've all shrunk!" To demonstrate, Candace pulled out a mouse-sized tank top from within the contents of the basket. "I can't wear these doll clothes!"

"What about the spares we put in everyone's closet?" Phineas asked.

"That reminds me, actually—why did you give me a set of Candace's clothes?" Baljeet asked. As a response, Buford began to laugh hysterically. Candace seethed with minor rage.

"Those ARE mine, you idiot!" She cried. "Give me those things!"

"Alright, alright!" Baljeet whimpered before darting off.

/

_A while later…_

/

Candace was fully-clothed once again.

"Okay, so the first thing we'll need to ask our moms and dads for in our letter is that they send us some extra clothes." Phineas was explaining this, when suddenly, a creaking sound not unlike a microphone rang out from the ceiling.

"Ha!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. "Don't be so sure you can win this thing."

"Oh, good MORNING, Dr. Doofensnot." Candace grumbled.

"DoofenSHMIRTZ. Anyway, who's ready for a movie?"

"No one!" Everyone answered gleefully.

"Great!" The doctor clapped his hands together. "Now, the movie I am sending down to you today is entitled 'King Billy'. Now, when you think of royalty in the medieval times, what do you picture?"

"Knights." Albert shrugged.

"Princesses…and princes." Isabella sighed, a dreamy look in her eyes, looking squarely at Phineas.

"Unlimited power?" Candace suggested.

"Awesome architectural achievements!" Phineas exclaimed.

"CHOPPING OFF HEADS AT THE GUILLOTINE!" Buford roared, pounding one fist onto the table.

"…Exquisite chandeliers?" Baljeet submitted.

"Mhmm, mhmm." Doofenshmirtz murmured. "What about this—a little ten-year-old brat who whines about everything on the face of the Earth who must go defeat the most historically inaccurate sorcerer ever, all while his historically inaccurate advisor makes awful puns about mutton?"

"…No." Everyone answered at once.

"Congratulations. Hop to it!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed.

At that moment, a siren from around the top of the room began to sound.

"WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!" Everyone exclaimed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Poptart Notes: *rings a loud bell* COME ON IN, KIDDIES; SH*T'S ON! COME AND GIT IT!**

/

_Chapter 12: Wow, I Hate Him Already!_

/

**King Arthur Productions**

"King Arthur is Rolling in His Grave Productions…" Albert muttered.

**In association with Britannia Leonard Pictures**

"Uh, what's the U.K. equivalent of Lynyrd Skynyrd?" Phineas asked his step-brother. As a reply, Ferb shrugged.

**Daniel Hobston**

**Richard Hamms**

**Frank Bonnie**

**Virgil O'Brauning**

"Any girls in this movie?" Candace asked.

"Look in the kitchen." Buford replied.

Within hardly a second, he was dragged away to be given a sparkling tonsils.

**Anthony Bourgese**

**Elizabeth Nordon**

**Jeanne Lichen**

"All of whom pitched in to buy the director a bottle of lager after he realized exactly what he was directing!" Irving spoke up.

**Screenplay by Matthias Gordon and Brittney Gordon**

"They were married?" Isabella raised an eyebrow.

"Cool!" Phineas exclaimed.

"Ooh! Ooh! Matthias, baby, I know just what this script needs!" Irving cried out in a loud Wisconsin accent, shaking his brother by the shoulder.

"What, Brittney…" Albert sighed miserably.

"It needs some pink! Yes, it needs a LOT more pink! Riiiiiiiight _there!_"

**Produced by Cole Nugdan**

"Hey, Pete, you hear what Dan did last week?" Phineas spoke to Baljeet in a gruff voice. "Saw him mooching off of Bill for ten bucks in front of his own wife." Baljeet blew air between his teeth.

"What a nug." He muttered.

**Directed by Wayne Brown**

"Hey," Phineas sat upright now, "You all remember Django, right? Django Brown?"

His response was a small chorus of "no"s.

**The screen fades to black and slowly rises back into color; a shot of a suburban backyard in the fall.**

"Yep, es been three monfs since th'n passin' o' ole man Berkley…" Irving said in a southern-accented drawl.

**Suddenly zooming in from the left side of the screen, in bright green comic sans, was the title of the film itself, "King Billy".**

"AAGH!" Albert shrank back and made a cross symbol with his index fingers. "COMIC SANS!"

"My allowance provides a bigger budget." Isabella sighed.

**The title slowly faded from the shot again as it zoomed in upon the small, white house. A woman in an apron and checkered dress stepped out onto the back porch. After looking around the premises for a moment, she called out in a flat voice, "Billy."**

"Billy. Billy. Billy, have you found my acting skills?" Irving said in monotone.

As soon as he finished, a sharp cry came from the next room over.

"ALRIGHT! I GET IT! WOMEN DO NOT STAY IN THE KITCHEN!"

"Don't move yet, you haven't quite learned anything…" Candace spoke harshly in response.

"NO…NO!" There was another hiss of water, then the splashing of suds, and a loud clattering. Candace cried out in anger, and there was then the loud stamping of footsteps trekking down the hall. They gradually got louder until Buford entered, diving straight back into his seat, still soapy and soggy. Candace was seconds behind, still holding a rag and soap bar.

"GIVE ME THE BOY." She demanded. Albert gripped the back of her shirt and pulled her back into her seat.

"He's had his trauma." He told her sternly. Candace glared at him in reply.

**At this moment, a little boy, around Phineas' age, walked through the wooded area that surrounded the house and entered the backyard. An axe was clenched in his right hand, and his expression was guilty.**

"Well," Candace noted, "this has a pleasant connotation."

"Mother, I cannot tell a lie…" Buford began, "_I_ bring this movie down an entire level…and the cherry tree is screwed, too."

"**Why, Billy," the woman began, "wherever have you been?"**

"Doing things that your lawyer can totally take care of!" Baljeet laughed. "…Right?"

**Billy stared at his mother for a moment, maintaining his guilty look, before turning and walking back into the woods, motioning for his mother to follow him.**

"Oh, this should be good…" Albert muttered.

"Check it out, mom!" Phineas exclaimed. "It's the best blueberry bush EVER!"

"That's nice, Billy; but what did you do to the body I asked you to bury?" Buford asked in a shrill voice.

"…The what?"

**Soon, they both made it out of the woods on the other side and into a driveway of a neighbor's. The car in the driveway was overturned, the tires slashed, the bottom carved open, and the windows all missing. The mother clapped her hand over her mouth in shock.**

Everyone blinked for a moment, stunned.

"This movie got dark. Quick." Candace announced.

"I think we found our antagonist!" Irving added cheerfully.

"GUILLOTINE! GUILLOTINE!" Buford cried.

"**I'm sorry, Mom." Billy said softly.**

"Sorry's not good enough! GUILLOTINE!" Buford continued to shout.

"But that would be a better movie." Isabella said.

"…YOU, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, of all people, are more interested in a kid getting his head chopped off than watching this." Baljeet pointed out.

To this, Isabella sighed.

"That's just how bad I know this'll be." She replied.

/

_Next chapter: Stuff Ceases to Make Sense. Quickly._


	13. Chapter 13

**Poptart Notes: I am sleepy and starving. And I think writing will help. I do not know why.**

"**Reading Rainbow" Theme music © …I actually don't know.**

/

_Chapter 13: Use a History Book for Kindling_

/

"**Willis James Howard, what have you done?" His mother demanded.**

"That's it?" Albert bolted upright. "Lady, you can get extended jail time for this; this I know! He didn't just crack your favorite vase, he decimated a sedan!"

"…'Willis'?" Candace asked.

"**I'm really sorry, Mom." Billy said again. "I just got a bit angry…my friends helped me. I swear."**

"STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Buford shouted again. "FLAMING GUILLOTINE!"

"Ooh, you upgraded it." Irving noted.

"**I do not care." His mother responded.**

"I do not care for green eggs and ham, Sam I Am." Phineas declared, seeming to channel Boris Karloff for a moment.

"**You are in very big trouble, young man."**

"We're taking you to Chinatown." Albert said.

"**IT'S NOT FAIR!" Billy suddenly exclaimed. "MY FRIENDS HELPED ME DO THIS!"**

"My imaginary friends!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"**WHY CAN'T THEY GET IN TROUBLE? THIS IS STUPID! STUPID!" And with that, Billy dropped his ax upon the ground and ran back into the woods. In response to this, his mother sighed, placing her hands on her hips.**

"Now Billy, your future-life-of-crime-indicative behavior is _really_ putting a damper on my day…" Candace imitated the mother in a pestered tone.

**The shot cut to Billy trudging through the woods, sniffling like a kicked puppy, eyes on the ground. With anger, he kicked the leaves as hard as he could. They fell in a torrent around him. As they fell, one small butterfly fluttered out. The camera focused upon it as it fluttered upward into the sky.**

"Butterfly in the skyyyyy, I can go twice as hiiiiiigh…take a look, it's in a book—" Irving sang in a falsetto.

**The shot remained focused on the butterfly as it fluttered over the sun.**

"Yep. Butterfly…still a butterfly…and now a bit more of a butterfly…I'm kinda sick of the butterfly now…please show me something else…" Albert droned intermittently, each pause being about five seconds in length.

"Lepidopterology—the movie!" Phineas exclaimed.

"…Huh?" Buford asked.

**Suddenly, a shot rang out, and a bullet hit the butterfly square in the side, blowing it off of the screen.**

"Okay, how was THAT important?" Candace sighed.

"Hmmm…I know," Irving snapped his fingers, "The butterfly was the one who flipped the car over!"

"The butterfly." Candace reiterated, deadpan. "The butterfly did it."

"Yeah, and later on, he helps the butler carry out the murder."

"…Huh?" Buford asked again.

**The image panned slowly over to the shooter—a large, pale teenaged boy, with dark eyes and a stiff brunette buzz-cut. His shirt was white-and-blue striped, whereas his jeans were a bright shade of red.**

"Dennis the Menace 2: The Revenge." Albert said.

"**D-Dennis?" Billy asked in a shaking voice.**

"Holy crap."

"You read the back of the box, you friggin' cheater!" Irving exclaimed.

"**Correct, you little anus." **

"Ew." Isabella muttered.

**Dennis pulled a cigarette and lighter out of his pocket and lit up in his mouth as he spoke. "Any particular reason you're crying like a little girl?"**

"W-well…" Baljeet sniffled, "Y-you see, they are filming this awful m-movie…and they will not let me leave!"

"**I got mad and took care of it just like you said." Billy answered earnestly. "Honest. Johnny helped me."**

Ferb growled quietly at the mention of "Johnny".

"Something wrong, Ferb?" Phineas asked.

"**Oh, you did? And how did that make you feel?"**

"MAD with POWER!" Buford cried, laughing villainously.

"**It didn't really help much, and then my mom yelled at me." Billy looked down.**

"**And how did that make you feel?" Dennis asked.**

"Stop asking me about my feelings!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND TRUST ME LIKE I AM YOUR BROTHER." Albert yelled back.

"**Bad…" Billy muttered.**

"**Aw, kid…" Dennis sighed sympathetically.**

"Come on; let's go burn down a building together." Candace said.

"**Tell you what…you know what was awesome?"**

"Friday night Chris Farley marathons on Comedy Central!" Irving exclaimed.

"**Medieval Times."**

"Oh, gosh, _especially_ the Black Plague." Baljeet noted.

"**Really?"**

"**Yep. Man, do you know how RICH the world was back then?"**

"You could pay for a dress with your first born!" Candace said.

"**How rich?" Billy asked, sitting on a tree stump.**

"**The kings…they could do whatever they wanted. They had so much money that they could wear every outfit just once in their life."**

"And that's why everybody hated them." Albert finished.

"**And," Dennis went on, "Everybody loved them."**

"NO THEY DIDN'T." Albert cried.

"**Really?"**

"**Yeah; why do you think there's so many legends about King Arthur?"**

"Well, you can thank Geoffrey of Monmouth for that one." Buford noted.

"**Well…"**

"**And why do you think Marie Antoinette is such a renowned figure?" Dennis went on.**

"Because…you're an idiot." Candace stated flatly.

"**I guess you're right." Billy sighed.**

"He couldn't be less right if he were smashed into Al Gore's backyard!" Albert cried.

"**But what can I do about it?" He looked up at Dennis.**

"**Come on, kid;" He spoke as he started to walk away into the distance, "I got something to show you."**

"My secret fun cabin!" Candace exclaimed.

/

_Next Chapter: What fun we shall have…in time and SPACE!_


	14. Chapter 14

**Poptart Notes: SON OF A BITCH I'M LAAAAAATE **

**Gotta hurry gotta churn out this chapter oh crap oh crap **

**Also note that from here on out, a singular "/" between sections means that they're back in the concessions.**

"**American Woman" © The Guess Who**

/

_Chapter 14: eBay Equals Time Travel_

/

**The scene cut to Dennis leading Billy into a dark shed in some remote corner of the woods.**

"And this is the part where I instantly regret my previous joke." Candace said.

"**Whoooooaaaa!" Billy pointed at something that was off-screen. "What is THAT?"**

"It's called the fourth wall, Billy." Albert answered.

"**Like it?" Dennis smirked, and the shot slowly turned to reveal a large, white porch chair, which had several lights and attachments on it; some of these attachments were as banal of objects as compact discs, forks, and doorknobs.**

"I call it, 'eBay Purchases Number Four'." Phineas announced.

"**What is it?" Billy asked again.**

"Your college fund!" Buford exclaimed.

"**THIS baby is called a 'time machine'."**

"It's a total accumulation of all the junk that I've purchased since 1974." Baljeet added.

"**Wow…what does it do?"**

"Why, it makes brownies, of course!" Phineas exclaimed.

"**You'll see it in a second. Have a seat in it." **

**Billy obeyed, seating himself in the contraption. "But how did you get this, Dennis?"**

"I bought it with the money I embezzled from that orphanage for Ethiopians." Albert replied.

**Dennis sighed. "It's not important; stop asking questions."**

"**I'm sorry."**

"**So tell me…how bad do you wanna get out of trouble?"**

"**Very badly." Billy nodded.**

"**What would you be willing to do?"**

"Not as many things as I'm willing to do for a Klondike Bar." Baljeet said.

"**Anything…at all." Billy answered after a pause.**

"Excellent; now get in the bag!" Candace exclaimed.

"**Great…because I need something from you." Dennis smirked, bending down by the chair.**

A silence hung in the air, only momentarily broken by Buford coughing uncomfortably.

"**What's that?" Billy asked.**

"**I'm going to send you back a little bit…yes, **_**waaaay **_**back to when everything was in England…kings, queens, knights in shining armor…I think Abe Lincoln was president…" Dennis spoke slowly, thinking.**

"Well, you're clearly trustworthy with our youth and a time machine!" Irving commented.

"He's going to send him back to the 1970s and call it the medieval period." Albert added.

"Medieval handmaid! Get away from me-hee! Medieval handmaid! Wench, let me be-hee!" Buford began to sing.

"Oh dear Shiva, please, stop…" Baljeet clamped his hands over his ears.

"You'll be hanging over the gallows' floor if you let me see your face anymore!" The singing, screechy and off-key, went on regardless.

"Buford, it sounds like your tonsils are a bit dingy…" Candace turned to Buford slowly.

He stopped immediately. "Yes, ma'am."

/

"…And so, the forks are the main method of harvesting the source of energy, flowing electrical forces throughout the seat, as shown in figure two." Albert stood up front, drawing a diagram on a chalk board (his methods of procuring which are completely unknown), dressed as if he were a college professor. Everyone else sat about in rows in classroom desks (how they got there was also unknown), with Candace being a bit too large for hers. "Any questions?"

Irving raised his hand. "What are the doorknobs for?"

"You see, Irving, since the character in this film known as 'Dennis' is so _obviously _a technological and mechanical _genius_, he clearly attached these knobs to the mainframe's wiring and rendered them not DOORknobs, but dials for adjusting the frame rate at which he travels linearly through time." Albert answered simply. "Duh."

"Of course!" Irving slapped the side of his head sarcastically. "How silly of me!"

"Any more questions?"

Now Buford raised his hand. "What about the CDs?"

Everyone groaned.

"That's even more obvious than Irving's question!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"You SEE, Buford," Albert began, rolling his eyes, "Dennis has clearly rendered these as being photographic cartridges, set on a timer concealed in the back of the seat, periodically taking photographs of the inter-dimensional travels one takes when employing use of the machine for purposes of observation and comparison!"

"…Oh."

"Any MORE questions?"

Candace. "Who cares?"

There was a pause as their instructor sat himself down, considering this.

"…Great Scott; that's unanswerable." He finally said. Everyone gasped.

"Preposterous!" Phineas exclaimed, shooting up from his seat. "This demands further scientific investigations!"

"TO THE LABORATORY!" Irving cried. Isabella merely turned around in her seat, facing the fourth wall, and whispered to you discreetly, "We'll be right back."

/

_Next: Is he dead YET?_


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15: Never Even Wrenched Free Excalibur _

/

"Hello ladies and germs!" Phineas waved, leaning back in a chair by one of the tables. "Welcome back to the S.U.V."

"The…what…?" Candace asked slowly, brow raised.

"S.U.V.—the Satellite Utility Vehicle." Ferb answered simply.

"That is the dumbest name possible." Albert grumbled.

"See?" Buford said. "I told you."

"Okay, okay; sheesh!" Baljeet exclaimed, scribbling words out on his clipboard. "It is not like humorous puns just come falling out of the sky!"

But as the words were leaving his lips, a noise came from behind.

BANG! BANG!

Baljeet fell over, face to the floor, losing most of his sense upon collision. Buford heaved him up from the ground by his hair.

"_Uuuuugh…_" The smaller boy groaned, eyes spinning 'round.

"Whoops! Wow, Baljeet, that was a pretty bad fall—hey, what's that sticking out of your head?" Phineas started to pull something from Baljeet's curls, causing him to snap to attention.

"_WAAAGH! IT HAS PENETRATED MY SKULL, WHATEVER IT IS! IT HAS LODGED ITSELF INTO MY MASSIVE BRAIN! OH MY…AAAGH! I-I AM DYING!_"

"Baljeet, it's tangled in your hair." Isabella rolled her eyes.

"Oh…heh, well, um, then please help me get it out." Baljeet blushed sheepishly. Ferb, meanwhile, slid a pair of scissors out of his back pocket and set to trimming at the boy's hair, snipping and snipping until the object—or objects, rather—were gone.

"Well, Ferb?" Irving asked, poking out around Phineas' shoulder. As a reply, the green-headed boy held up what he had found—a large letter "P".

"P?" Phineas asked. "Hmmm…"

Here, Ferb produced another letter.

"O?" Candace looked bewildered.

And then another.

"S." Albert finished, taking the consonant from Ferb's grip and examining it. "P-O-S. Well. The humorous pun didn't come falling out of the sky; it came shooting out of the…wall."

"Well, now we have to start over!" Phineas exclaimed. "Let's just rewind it back to after commercials…okay, places…"

—_rewinding_—

"Hello ladies and germs!" Phineas repeated. "Welcome to the P.O.S.!"

"There, there, we got your stupid pun out of the way—what does it stand for now?" Candace raised her brow again.

"P.O.S.—the Properly Opulent Satellite." Ferb stated.

"That's not what my dad said it stood for…" Buford grumbled.

While this happened, Baljeet sat on the counter, an icepack to his skull.

"It may have not penetrated my skull, but it certainly made a collision with it…"

"Hmmm…now where do you suppose those letters DID come from, Ferb?" Phineas scratched his nonexistent chin.

"Doof!" Albert cried up at the ceiling. After a moment's crackling of static, a voice rang out; "Yes?"

"What is this?" Candace held up the letter "P".

"Oh, well, I was just testing out my newly modified Transporter-inator. It seems to be pulling to the side…"

"And the letters?" Candace crossed her arms.

"Well, hey; that's a problem for me too! I meant to send a banana cream pie down to hit that one blondish guy in the face—really hate him in particular out of all you brats—"

"I feel accomplished." Albert smiled smugly.

"—But instead it sucked up letters from my banner. How am I supposed to celebrate Presidential Fitness Test Awareness Month without a 'Happy Presidential Fitness Test Awareness Month' banner?"

"Same way I do; eat a packet of cupcakes!" Buford exclaimed.

"See? It reads like, 'Happy residential Fitness est'—what the heck _IS _an 'est', even—'Awareness Mnth'. Mnth. _Mnnnnnnnnth_. You know what a 'mnth' is? That's the sound that you make when you have a mouthful of peanut butter! You know, it gets all dry—"

"How fascinating. What is the point?" Candace asked abruptly.

"…May I please have them back?" The doctor asked sweetly.

"Nope!" Was the unanimous reply.

"Ugh, fine! I hope you all have fun on your little P.O.S.!" Doofenshmirtz growled. "Man, the ambassador of Awareness will be here any minute…you know, just go back to your stupid little movie if you don't plan on being any sort of use to me here!"

"Gee, crappy movie or talk with you…" Albert mumbled.

It only took about three seconds for the room to be cleared.

/

**The shot scanned across a long stretch of grass, a small forest in the foreground. A long silence filled the scene, nothing breaking the shot as it crept back and forth slowly.**

"Please tell me he got lost in the Twilight Zone…" Buford grumbled.

**Suddenly, a cartoonish whistle sounded, and a body fell from the sky, impacting to the ground. Billy stood up, virtually unharmed save for being quite dirty.**

"Uh, hey guys; listen, my home planet was kinda destroyed a little while ago and my parents kicked my butt out here by myself in a rocket…" Irving muttered.

"**Whooooa…where am I?"**

"The spaces between spaces." Albert said.

**A low, steady clopping sound came from the background. "What do I hear?"**

"A song, a song, high above the tree?" Baljeet suggested.

**This clopping grew greater and greater in volume until Billy had to look up. An expanding shot revealed a small, mustached man sitting atop a large, sturdy brown horse.**

"**A-ha!" He exclaimed, reaching down to the boy. "We have been expecting you!"**

"Hey, everybody; the sacrifice is here!" Candace exclaimed.

"**Good day, Sir Arthur!"**

"Oh God. Don't go there. Please, please, please don't go there." Albert clasped his hands together and begged.

"Too late, they're already there!" Irving exclaimed with a hint of glee.

"What're you talking about?" Isabella asked.

"**Huh? How do you know my name?" Billy asked, looking greatly confused. The man returned this expression.**

"**You did not know?" He exclaimed. "You are our esteemed king! And I shall be your faithful sheep, your chancellor!"**

"Sure, you're over ten years too young, a hundred pounds too light, and a billion brain cells too dumb to fit the history books, but hey; the writers were high!" Phineas said cheerfully.

"…Phineas, don't say 'high'." Candace said after a pause.

"Well, what does it mean?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes: Oh my crap guys I'm sorry **

**I'M DONE PROCRASTINATING**

**FOR TEN MINUTES  
**

/

_Chapter 16: Won't Someone Think of the Children?_

/

"**I am the king…" Billy breathed, sounding amazed. "Wait…king of what?"**

"The crap heap." Candace muttered, sinking down in her chair.

"**Foolish little lamb! Do you not remember…of course, you are the most esteemed ruler"—**

"—Of the crap heap." Candace finished again.

"—**Of CAMELOT!"**

"No, no. Say it with me now. Crap. Heap. _Craaaaaaaaap _heap." Candace now sat forward again, making a hand gesticulation as she drew out the syllable.

"Let's not visit Camelot. 'Tis a rather silly place." Albert insisted.

**Billy gasped. "Camelot…"**

**The shot now switched to a view of a dusty little village square. Peasants in ratty clothing buzzed about, carrying bundles of their wares to and fro. Atop a stone podium in one corner, near the stocks, was a fat, well-dressed man, who seemed to be on edge.**

"**You see, Arthur," The advisor was explaining as he rode through the village, Billy now also atop the horse's back. "Your duties here are almost as great as the perks of your job…almost. The entire village may be at your beck and call, but they also expect to be governed."**

"**Wowie…" Billy shook his head with amazement. "This is really all mine?"**

"**All yours, my liege."**

"They all have the bubonic plague. Merry Christmas." Irving said, with little emotion.

"**Yeah, yeah, sure…govern, yeah."**

"Ho ho ho ho!" Buford laughed lowly. "It's a good thing you aren't an immature little crap, or else our entire kingdom would be screwed."

"**Oy, there! You havern't paid this week's taxes!" The fat man on the podium spoke now, waving a hot poker near a peasant's face, his intonation and stature indicating some intoxication. "Paaaaaaaaayyyyy UP!"**

"Or else I'll have to continue to not hit you with this iron rod." Albert grumbled.

**The peasant woman whimpered. "I…I-I haven't the pay…" To this, the man growled.**

"Look, lady, it's one for you, nineteen for me, okay?" Phineas said.

"**Who is that?" Billy asked, pointing at the man as he heckled the old lady. The advisor laughed to himself.**

"'**Tis only the grand Sheriff of the shire, your lordship. He takes great pleasure in beating and pestering the common folk."**

"Well, shouldn't we do something?" Baljeet inquired in a high voice.

"NO. NEVER." Buford bellowed. "COMMON FILTH IS COMMON FILTH. THEY DESERVE PAIN. GRRR. DESTROY. INTRUDER ALERT."

"**Oh…cool."**

"**Now, off to your palace!" The advisor exclaimed, snapping the horse's reins.**

"Oh, I hope you like it; I made it myself!" Isabella said cheerily.

**The image made a cut to a large stone palace, towering several hundred feet above the ground. Billy and his advisor were just entering the gates.**

"Welcome to Disneyland." Candace said.

"**Ah, there is the gardening maid right now!" The advisor waved at a pretty young lady who was tending to a hedge. "Cyrielle! **_**Le gigot est content!**_**"**

"To our friends in foreign lands. Sincerely, the Department of taking a sharp stick and ramming it up your—" Buford began, but was cut off by Isabella grabbing his shoulder.

"Buford, please! Not when Phineas is in the room."

"Hm?" Phineas stirred at the sound of his name.

**The maid giggled at the advisor, and snapped her shears at him. However, Cyrielle extended her arm to display the shears at a poor moment, for just as she was doing so a nun was walking by her. The shears snapped off the tip of the nun's nose; however, neither of them noticed, and both continued with their own affairs as if nothing ever happened.**

Candace made a little noise in the back of her throat and reached over to Phineas.

"Phineas, I think we should go and make your EYES sparkle now…"

"This is not a children's movie!" Baljeet exclaimed. "It has an adverse effect on the youth. Watch this movie once, and then you shall start smoking cigarettes, and robbing banks, and shooting firearms at the innocents! It is not unlike video games with the Mature rating."

"Baljeet, there's a word for you." Albert said. "I can't say it, though, because Phineas is still here."

"Ah! I can feel myself sprouting a nicotine dependency as we speak_! I MUST GET OUT OF HERE!_"

"Oh, I'll put you out, nerd…" Buford grunted, cracking his knuckles.

And yet, even with Baljeet panicking about imaginary addictions and the Buford-trademarked wedgie that followed, all Phineas had to offer was this:

"Hey, where's Perry?"


End file.
